What NOT To Do

#375 Don't Send A Bill for a Forcible Body Cavity Search

2012-01-17T06:01:00.000-08:00

A woman, who wasnt named by local media, has sued the Las Cruces, New Mexico police department for $1,222. That's how much she was charged by an area hospital for a forcible body cavity search ordered by the police. The search found no narcotics.

Okay, first off, it's just plain rude to send someone a bill for having had their body held down and forcibly searched. Think about what that means. That means some strange person putting their hand in your rectum. In the case of this woman, it also included a strange person putting their hand inside her vagina.

And she only sued for $1222, the same amount she was billed. I'd have tacked on some pain and suffering damages.

Of course, if she did have some hooch in her cooch then they would have been totally justified in their actions. Well, legally justified at least.

The worst part about stories like this for me is how utterly dehumanizing they are. And then the insult to injury to actually have the gall to try and make her pay for having been violated without cause? Yuck. Just makes me want to go live in a cabin on top of a big mountain.

Rule #375 is Don't Send A Bill for a Forcible Body Cavity Search

#374 Don't Steal a Bike When You Can Save a Life

2012-01-06T17:43:00.000-08:00

'Cowardly' thief saw drowning man and stole his bicycle

This pathetic pile of shit named Adam Lowther was riding his crappy bike near Leeds-Liverpool and came upon an accident in which a bike was close to the path and a man was face down in the water nearby.

Instead of doing what any reasonable person would do, check on the man to see if he was hurt/alive, Adam dropped his bike, picked up the injured man's bike and rode off.

And Michael Houghton, who was alive at the time, was found a few minutes later by non-scumbag assholes who tried to revive him and got him to the hospital where he later died.

Michael is a father to three kids with a disabled wife. Sorry, he was. Now he's dead because Adam Lowther valued his bicycle more than his life.

Adam could have been a hero but now he's a vile what not to do role model.

Rule #374 is Don't Steal a Bike When You Can Save a Life

#373 There But for the Grace of Fortune Go Thee

2011-11-21T13:46:00.000-08:00


Not homeless people. Yet.

Note, these are not homeless people, at least not yet, they are or were employees at the most aggressive foreclosure company in New York. They are dressed this way as some asshole thought a Homeless Halloween Party was a good idea. And someone else thought it was a good idea to get some good pictures of these disgusting jerks. Some similarly appalled person at the party forwarded the photos to the press and things got rather interesting for these distasteful party goers.

Well, it was with great pleasure that I read that Steven J. Baum's law firm is going belly up. Suck karmic teats, you haters! Awful Homelessness-Mocking Foreclosure Firm Closes

The oddest part is that the firm's principal, none other than Steven J. Baum himself, blames a columnist for having destroyed his company and putting people out on those very same streets with the very same people his ex-employees mocked so hideously. I'm sure Steven J. Baum is not going to be homeless anytime soon but there is a distinct tang of a karmic smackdown in the air, isn't there?

Rule #373 is There But for the Grace of Fortune Go Thee

#372 Acting from a Place of Anger Can Backfire Badly on You

2011-11-14T11:09:00.000-08:00

Coach Jerkface gets his JERK on.

Wyoming coach resigns after forcing offensive survey on players

Coach Pat Lynch thinks the best way to motivate his high school football team is to compare them to women and gay people. He forced his team to fill out a survey that would allow each player to mark why they failed to play well. Responses included: Because I'm a little bitch, Because I have woman like hormones, Because I am queer.

This guy forced some high school kids to fill out this survey in the twisted hopes that it would motivate them to play better. Or perhaps just not suck as much as they did and make Coach Jerkface look like a bigger jerkface than he already does (which is a pretty HUGE jerkface).

To say what he did was inappropriate is an understatement. But, for some ridiculous and twisted reason, Pat Lynch remains at the school as a....brace yourself.... guidance counselor. What kind of wrong headed thinking allows this guy to keep a job around kids when he has shown such incredibly poor judgment already? What kind of crappy advice is he giving to any kid that meets with him? "Don't be such a bitch" "Maybe you can ask your doctor for some man hormones to off set all those woman like hormones you appear to have in you."

Really? This guy shouldn't be advising cockroaches on how to skitter much less teenagers. Doubly so because he seems to have a pretty hateful streak towards gay people and a tenous grasp on not flying off the handle like the douchenozzle you are.

This rule will be a hard one for ol' Pat Lynch to avoid breaking since he appears to act from a place of anger more often than not.

Rule #372 is Acting from a Place of Anger Can Backfire Badly on You

#371 Do Not Gird for War on Your Own People Without Strong Cause (and you didn't have it in Oakland, Mayor Jean Quan)

2011-10-27T11:05:00.000-07:00

American. Marine. Hero. Victim.

So the whole world has now seen what an insane and over-reacting idiot Oakland Mayor Jean Quan is by sending in officers in full riot gear to break up an Occupy Wall Street protest in Oakland. The protesters were peaceful, the protest was organized and yet the cops came in like stormtroopers, firing tear gas, flash bang grenades, rubber bullets and behaving like the protesters were rioting and looting when they very, very clearly were not.

And, as a result of the extreme police over-reaction, an American hero got his skull fractured by some projectile fired into the crowd. This young man, Scott Olsen, is a two time Iraq tour Marine veteran and a hero. He was there exercising his CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT to peaceful assembly when he was violently and wantonly assaulted along with the others.

Scott, along with thousands and thousands of other Americans tired of the corporatization of America and the wholesale raiding of our finances by those same companies entrusted with caretaking them, took BART out to Oakland to lend support there for the Occupy Wall Street protests.

After he was hit in the head with the tear gas grenade, other protesters tried to provide assistance to a clearly injured man when the police apparently tossed another grenade and fired some rubber bullets at those helping this man who had been seriously injured.

In other words, the police assaulted this man and then continued to assault people trying to help him. The police amped up the protest and nearly turned it into a full on riot by their attire, demeanor and actions. The protests, in no way, called for a full riot response from the police.

And I will join in the chorus of voices calling for Jean Quan's resignation for her shockingly poor handling of this pivotal moment in American and World History. She has chosen her side, she is not one of the 99%, she has chosen to join the 1% and be on the wrong side. She is not fit to lead.

Rule #371 is Do Not Gird for War on Your Own People Without Strong Cause (and you didn't have it in Oakland, Mayor Jean Quan)

#370 Drug Dealers: Please DO Put Up Drugs for Sale Fliers, You Morons

2011-10-27T08:48:00.000-07:00

Not pillars of the community. Hey, is that Willie?

Officers raid home after 'Heroin for sale' sign given to police

PORTLAND, OR (KPTV) -A north Portland home was raided by police after a fed-up neighbor sent officers a flier that said "Heroin for sale" and gave the home's address.

It has been said that you'd have to be some kind of an idiot to do heroin. I know this because I'm one of the people that has said it. Any drug that requires you to jab yourself with a needle is no drug I have even the slightest interest in ever doing. Fuck that noise.

That said, these drug dealing morons put up fliers around the neighborhood advertising that you could get heroin at their house and included the address! Yeah. Which is to say, these dealers have quite obviously been "getting high off their own supply".

But I can't say I'm bummed, one more drug den shut down, another neighborhood being reclaimed and some hard core drug addicts removed from circulation.

Rule #370 is Drug Dealers: Please DO Put Up Drugs for Sale Fliers, You Morons

#369 Cross Your T's and Dot Your I's

2011-10-27T08:47:00.000-07:00

Man found with pounds of pot

WATSONVILLE - A 28-year-old man was arrested Saturday evening near Riverside Drive and Lincoln Street after police smelled a strong scent of marijuana coming from his vehicle during a traffic stop, police records show.
Virakbot Oung was booked on suspicion of drug sales after officers found 2.5 pounds of marijuana in his vehicle, police records show.
Oung was stopped for a tail light violation about 6:40 p.m., police reported.

Now, I'm all for stupid criminals getting busted for being stupid. And Virakbot Oung qualifies as a stupid criminal. Here's the thing, brainiacs. If you are transporting a load of drugs or other illegal stuff in your car then take a few minutes to make sure you aren't a rolling violation. That is, check your lights, make sure your car is in legal working order before you set off.

If ol' Virakbot had replaced that 89 cent tail light bulb then he wouldn't have been pulled over and busted. Now he's not only facing jail time for trafficking, he's also got one pissed off dealer who probably thinks Virakbot now owes him the value of that lost weed. Which is a whole other set of problems he'll get to deal with.

Or you risk getting arrested with 2.5 pounds of weed which is just a hair or two over the "personal use" limit.

Rule #369 is Cross Your T's and Dot Your I's

Note, I am aware that the link to the original story is no longer working. I searched the Sentinel's archives and then realized that they haven't been added to since 2008. Which is to say, the Santa Cruz Sentinel may be the lamest hometown newspaper ever. We deserve better than this pathetic rag.

#368 Petty Crime Carries Not So Petty Time

2011-10-20T08:47:00.000-07:00

Two arrested in Watsonville gas station, restaurant robberies

These two idiot kids (I can say that now because I'm no longer an idiot kid, I'm an idiot adult) robbed a Jack in the Box and a gas station with a revolver and then wrecked the stolen Audi they'd been driving around in.

All for a whopping $150 in cash and now these dipshits are facing multiple charges including armed robbery, possession of a stolen car, commercial burglary and conspiracy.

Which is to say, that wicked $150 haul is nowhere near enough reward for the long term risks to their liberty. But I'm fairly sure they're not bright enough to realize how unutterably stupid they are.

Rule #368 is Petty Crime Carries Not So Petty Time

#367 Do Not Cut Off Your Estranged Husband's Penis and Put It In the Garbage Disposal

2011-09-27T08:58:00.000-07:00

Man's penis cut off, put through garbage disposal

That "lady" to the left there is Catherine Kieu Becker. She's accused of drugging her ex husband, tying him up, then waking him up to cut off his cock and then dropping the severed penis into the garbage disposal. Yes, she made sure he was conscious and suffered as much as possible.

That is, this chick is totally fucking nuts. And in the worst way possible. You've gotta have suffered badly to go to the lengths that she did or she's just crazy. Doesn't matter. I do know that this crazy bitch should never be allowed near knives, men or freedom again. There are things that you just DO NOT DO and cutting off a man's cock is one of them. Putting it in a garbage disposal and running it is another DO NOT DO thing but if you're at the point where the cock is severed and you're figuring out what to do with it then you've already lost.

The man is going to survive his injuries but come on now, his cock was chopped off and shredded in a disposal. He's not ever going to be okay again.

Rule #367 is Do Not Cut Off Your Estranged Husband's Penis and Put It In the Garbage Disposal

#366 There Is Such a Thing as Too Drunk

2011-09-27T08:44:00.000-07:00

Inebriated cyclist knocks down pregnant pedestrian, police say
Aaron Shaffer was riding his bike on the sidewalk, fast, and drunk, really, really, really shitfaced drunk (he tested at more than four times the legal limit) when a pregnant woman came out of a store he was going by too fast. He smashed into her, knocked her down and out cold so that she had to go to the hospital.

Onlookers estimate that Aaron was going near 20 mph when he collided with the woman. On a sidewalk. Too drunk to stand up. Way to go, asshole!

If the lady loses her baby then I'd hope and expect Aaron Shaffer gets charged with involuntary manslaughter. Anything to keep the criminally idiotic alcoholics off the sidewalks.

Rule #366 is There Is Such a Thing as Too Drunk

#356 Don't Pass Out Drunk at a Bus Stop with Stolen Loot Arrayed Around You

2011-09-27T08:26:00.000-07:00

Man arrested with stolen liquor, restaurant knives in Santa Cruz after Christopher Holmes had been found passed out at a bus stop at 10 in the morning (solid!) with expensive bottles of liquor, restaurant knives and other equipment around him.
Part of me thinks this was probably a "victimless" crime so dude could go back to jail where he gets three meals and a warm place to sleep every night.

But props for being passed out drunk at 10 in the morning, that's impressive in a sad sort of way especially since he's 47.

Today's rule is going to be a hard one for most of you to avoid repeating but try, try really hard.

Rule #356 is Don't Pass Out Drunk at a Bus Stop with Stolen Loot Arrayed Around You

#355 The Internet Isn't Really Anonymous, Dumbass

2011-09-19T13:12:00.000-07:00

NY fugitive taunts police on Facebook to catch him

Nice work, Victor Burgos, you thought you'd rub it in to the cops that they couldn't catch you because you're such a master criminal (who beats up and harasses women). So you went on Facebook and taunted them and then they showed up to arrest your dumb, dumb ass.

One less idiot criminal mastermind on the streets. Thank goodness he was kind enough to post enough about his crimes to make it easier to catch him, prosecute him and send his dumbass away.

Rule #355 is The Internet Isn't Really Anonymous, Dumbass

#354 Don't Cheer Your Daughter On in a Gang Fight

2011-09-19T13:10:00.000-07:00


Mother of the Year!

Cops and Courts, Sept. 19, 2011: Mom cheered on daughter in gang fight, police say

Maribel Ibarra Rivas is today's winner of the How To Be a Terrible Parent Award! Her prize is going to be some jail time, hopefully the loss of her children and a powerful whack upside the head with some common sense.

This mother is 41 years old but was there to cheer her daughter on in a gang fight while yelling gang slogans. She is then seen pulling her daughter off the other girl as if she's a concerned parent or something.

I hope getting arrested and outed for being an atrociously terrible parent, spending the weekend in jail on $25,000 bail and, hopefully, doing some jail time for inciting gang violence was worth it, Maribel.

And please, please, please, no more children for you. You've already demonstrated an appalling lack of ability to care for the one's have already made.

Rule #354 is Don't Cheer Your Daughter On in a Gang Fight

Update: The mom of the year candidate is now facing deportation.

2nd Update: She has avoided deportation but this fine parent did get a 120 day vacation courtesy of the county. I find it rather curious that her family and friends quoted say that she is anti-gang and tells her kids to stay clear of them. And yet she shouted gang names during the fight? Methinks they also think her poo smells like flowers too.

#353 Don't Drink and Drive While on Duty

2011-07-13T08:28:00.000-07:00

Miami Beach cop, in ATV crash with 3 injured, was allegedly drinking and had a woman he'd picked up at the bar on the back of his police ATV when he collided with those stupid people who were too slow to get out of his way (yes, that's a joke).

To their credit, his superiors have expressed outrage that he'd engage in such behavior and will be an out of work cop in short order if the allegations are proved true.

But still, drinking and driving your police ATV on the beach with a bar floozy on the back? And you didn't think you'd get caught before you ran into not one, not two but three people? You should not be allowed to possess a firearm, Officer Dumbshit!

Rule #353 is Don't Drink and Drive While on Duty

#351 Don't Tele-Diagnose, Especially If You Aren't A Friggin' Doctor

2011-07-11T22:27:00.000-07:00

Ignored ambulance call fatality 'a tragedy'

So the story is that a 23 year old man called the Swedish equivalent of 911 to request an ambulance as he was having trouble breathing. He called several times and the operator on the 911 number decided that he was just fine and refused to send an ambulance.

The 23 year old man was found dead 2 hours later which is a pretty good indicator that the 911 dispatcher's diagnosis was incorrect (probably why he was running the phones instead of working in the field, eh?).

Here's the thing, if someone calls 911 then treat it as an emergency, do not interject your own beliefs or false expertise. As a result of this dispatcher's ego, a 23 year old man died needlessly.

Rule #351 is Don't Tele-Diagnose, Especially If You Aren't A Friggin' Doctor

#350 Do Not Become an Ironic Footnote

2011-07-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

Motorcyclist dies in crash while protesting helmet laws

Philip Contos liked to ride his motorcycle and he liked to ride his motorcycle without wearing helmet. In the pursuit of his passion, he joined a protest ride of other motorcyclists who also don't like wearing helmets when they ride.

I wonder if they like to wear helmets when they crash? Because Philip crashed, smacked his head on the ground and punched out of this mortal coil.

I am a motorcyclist (and cyclist). I've been doing both for well more than 20 years now. I've crashed on both, three times on my motorcycles and too many times to count on my bikes. And you know what? I've been wearing my helmet in each and every one of them. If I'd gone down on my motorcycles without my helmet then there is zero chance I'm sitting here typing this.

People who protest helmet laws have a point but its not a very good one. Motorcycles are big, fast, heavy and dangerous machines. You may like the feeling of the wind in your hair and feeling like a badass chewing up tarmac. But when (note, not IF) you go down, if you're not protected then you are ended. Simple as that.

An easy way to think about this is to consider your skull an eggshell. At the speeds you crash on a motorcycle (or bicycle as I've hit 45+ on my mountain bike) your skull presents about the same protection on its own. Remember those high school science projects where you have to construct a way to drop an egg from the second story safely? Yeah, your head is the egg, your helmet is your protection. Use it and have a much, much better chance of living. Don't use it and, well, splat.

Sorry to Philip's family for his loss. It very obviously could have been avoided.

Rule #350 is Do Not Become an Ironic Footnote

#349 Don't Shave Your Vajanay While Driving

2011-06-03T08:47:00.000-07:00

Megan Barnes Driving While Shaving! Fla. Woman Arrested After Crash, Grooming "Bikini Area" Say Cops
Okay, let me clue you in, Megan Barnes. You're not very pretty and driving recklessly while shaving your vagina and having your ex husband steer for you is a clear indication that you're some kind of stupid too. You couldn't have, you know, pulled over and let him drive so could shave? Or, here's a crazy thought, you could have shaved at home in the privacy of your own bathroom.

But then, since you had no license and got a DUI the day before, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you're probably not the sharpest knife in the drawer. You're certainly not the prettiest.

And if your face makes your date run away then why are you wasting time trimming up your vajanay?

Rule #349 is Don't Shave Your Vajanay While Driving

#348 Do Not Procreate If You Are Scum

2011-06-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

Watsonville man admits lewd acts with same girl that son battered - Santa Cruz Sentinel

John Charlie Deanda and his son, John Nicholas Deanda are pedophiles who engaged in long term systematic forced sexual battery on a girl under the age of 14.

Six years worth of forced sexual battery.

And for that John Charlie Deanda is going to go to prison for six years. This is after a hearing to figure out if he was competent enough to stand trial. He was found competent but just barely which means he's dumb as dirt. Stands to reason his pedophle offspring is similarly dumb as dirt.

Now both are going to be in prison for what each of them did to a child. Who will undoubtedly be affected by their crimes for the rest of her life. I can only hope she is strong enough and has enough support to overcome and move beyond these two horrible, sick, and yes, stupid, assholes who used her like a sex doll.

Rule #348 is Do Not Procreate If You Are Scum

#347 Fight Important Battles

2011-06-03T08:39:00.000-07:00

Senior banned from prom over conspicuous prom asking technique

Basically the student, James Tate, wanted to ask a girl to the prom and, since he's a little shy, he wanted to do it in an unconventional way.

So he taped letters to the entrance to the school asking her out. He taped the letters, he caused no damage, harmed nothing in the action and the girl said yes, she'd go to the prom with him.

The only problem is that some administrator with his tighty whitey's on too tight decided that Tate violated safety protocols and trespassing laws by taping the letters to the building at night and on a ladder. So he has been barred from attending the prom.

So far more than 30,000 people have joined a support page on Facebook as, like I do, the punishment wasn't even close to fitting the supposed crime.

Here's the thing, the kid was doing something atypical but not dangerous, he wasn't huffing paint, he wasn't trying to damage the school, he wasn't trying to cause any trouble, he was trying to get a date for the prom. And the school officials over-reacted and banned him. Stupid. What a stupid, stupid battle to fight.

Unless, of course, there are no other problems at the school. No drugs, no gangs, no teen pregnancy, no alcohol abuse, no racism, no haters. In which case, kudos the school for cracking down on yet another creative uprising from their sheep, I mean, students.

Update: Because of the widespread furor over the douchey rules enforcement by the school admins, the kid has been given permission to attend the prom with his date. But, because school admins can often not help themselves from being dicks about something, the kid's two accomplices have been barred (presumably because the admins didn't think they'd be able to get the publicity to fight their bullshit penalty). I just remembered one of the main reasons why I fucking hate school systems, they are only as good as the people running them and if the people running the school are small-minded power-hungry douchebags then the entire system will suffer badly as a result.

I would hope that James Tate would have the intestinal fortitude to stand up for his friends' rights too and say if he is allowed to go to the prom then they should too.

Rule #347 is Fight Important Battles

#346 Don't Inject Your 8 Year Old with Botox, DUH!

2011-05-17T14:21:00.000-07:00

Mom who injects daughter with Botox under investigation

Kerry Campbell is fairly new to San Francisco and is a beautician with a child. Nothing too shocking there, my wife is a beautician with two kids.

Only somewhere along the way, Kerry decided to start preparing her daughter for her absolutely assured super star future by injecting her with Botox now to preserve her youthful looks forever.

Or some other twisted rationalization she came up with for foisting all of her hopes and dreams on her daughter since its quite apparent that opportunity has passed Kerry Campbell by and she's on Plan B now.

Update: Her daughter has been removed from her custody while an investigation takes place.
Update II: Her name isn't really Kerry and she doesn't really live in San Francisco. So she's a loony, nutter fraud too in addition to being an atrocious parent who bragged on Good Morning America about injecting her daughter in the face with nerve killing "beauty" poison. Yeah.

Rule #346 is Don't Inject Your 8 Year Old with Botox, DUH!

#345 Choose One: Armed or Stupid

2011-05-10T11:12:00.000-07:00

Armed Watsonville man pulled over for having dice obstructing his rearview mirror held on $1.45M bail

Jose Luis Ortegon, you are today's lucky winner. Because of your affinity for large fuzzy dice hanging from your rear view mirror, you got popped for a whole bunch of charges all at once and your bail was nearly one and a half million bucks.

Because of big fuzzy dice hanging from the mirror of your 99 Geo. Yes, you are going to prison because big fuzzy dice. Marinate on that one for a couple of years, Jose.

At least your gun wasn't loaded even if you were, at 8:45 in the morning by the way.

Rule #345 is Choose One: Armed or Stupid

#344 Don't Lie About Being a Navy Seal

2011-05-10T10:46:00.000-07:00

Local pastor made up elaborate Navy SEAL tale

Today's cautionary tale of embellished bravado comes from Jim Moats, the pastor at Christian Bible Fellowship Church in Newville, Penn.

He spun stories about his time as Navy Seal back it the Vietnam War including such extra special memories like being waterboarded during his training. The only thing is that Jim Moats was never a Navy Seal, he served in the Navy, yes, but never as a Navy Seal.

Its interesting that the Seal representative quoted in the story notes that they often have to deal with people lying about having been Seals and they find that the clergy especially likes to lie about it, presumably, in order to generate credibility with their flock.

I hope his flock now looks at him like the red-faced lying sack of excrement he is. He's not even close to a hero, he's nothing but an empty bag of gas and lies. And I hope he pays a price for his lying. His lies diminish the actions of the real Navy Seals who are heroes and who do put their lives on the line when told to. Jim Moats is just a sad loser pretending to be something he's not even a shadow of.

Rule #344 is Don't Lie About Being a Navy Seal

#343 Sober Up, Asshole

2011-04-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

Cyclist says man in electric wheelchair chased her around Fort Pierce parking lot for three days
Okay, first off, the headline and article are misleading. This assault did not take place for three straight days, it occurred over three consecutive days.

Which means that Harry Lee Gray pretty much wakes up and gets drunk every day.

Anyway, this grumpy old lazy drunk hassled a cyclist over three days culminating in bashing into her, knocking her off her bike and then slamming the bike on the ground (Gray is not wheel chair bound, he can walk for short periods when he's not staggering drunk).

No reason is given for Gray's rampant douchery aside from the fact that he's an alcoholic and looks like a real piece of work in his booking photo.

Gray should have also been arrested for DUI as well as the misdemeanor battery and criminal mischief charges (seems like pretty limp charges too).

Rule #343 is Sober Up, Asshole

#342 Don't Be A Hypocritical Douchebag

2011-04-18T08:50:00.001-07:00

Antiporn Indonesian lawmaker caught viewing porn in Parliament.

The politician, Arifinto (just the one name because he's clearly THAT fucking cool), led the charge in passing some hard core antiporn laws in Indonesia.

And yet he decided to look at porn on his iPad. Not in the comfort of his own hypocritical home, oh no. He decided to look at porn while sitting in Parliament (which is just stupid, how the hell you gonna rub one out there, idiot?).

And, of course, now he's stepped down because he's a ginormous hypocritical asshole. And will, presumably, be unable to legally view said porn as a private citizen since he helped pass the draconian law. Smooth move, Arifinto!

Rule #342 is Don't Be A Hypocritical Douchebag

#341 Honor Your Parents

2011-04-18T08:50:00.000-07:00

Twins lived with dead mother for 3 months
which is disgusting and wrong in and of itself. But the way their mother died and the appalling lack of give a damn about her is what is really shocking here. The mother fell down and was unable to get up but, since she wasn't complaining, her children left her there. She died three days later, one day after her 89th birthday.

The holy shit what the fuck is wrong with these idiots is incredibly strong here (along with the odor of a rotting corpse in the foyer). And it gets weirder and sicker. The corpse was in a nightgown without any underwear on, the gown had been pulled up to her arms. Think about this, these disgusting men left their mother to die on the floor of their house and then, after she was dead, defiled her body before letting the bugs get at it.

Seriously. This whole story reads like some sick writer's fantasy. That people would mistreat others like this is sad, that they did this to their own mother is beyond any redemption and, in my humble opinion, neither of them should continue to live.

Rule #341 is Honor Your Parents or, at the very least, call them an ambulance when they fall down and can't get up and absolutely don't just go about your business while your mother's corpse rots in the front hallway.

#340 Do Not Deface Tribute Pages for Dead Children

2011-03-28T09:18:00.000-07:00

Hello, I am an asshole who griefs the families of dead children.

Australian Sentenced to Year in Jail for Defacing Children Facebook Page Tributes

Bradley Paul Hampson describes himself as a troll, he spends his free time surfing the internet looking for people to grief, bother, irritate or otherwise get a negative reaction from. Why? Because he's an asshole who was probably raised by some parents who were assholes. Bonus, he looks like a smirky asshole too!

What he decided to do was to grief some parents who'd put up some tribute pages to their children who'd recently passed away. One child was the victim of a murder, the other drowned in a drain. Seriously, what kind of a fucking piece of shit gets their jollies by being an asshole to people who are mourning the loss of their child?

And, because Bradley is such a bottom dwelling piece of shit, he used the name of someone he used to go to school with to deface the Facebook pages. Nice.

Here's hoping that during his year long incarceration for rampant douchebaggery he gets to suffer the pain he inflicted on grieving parents and relatives for his own pathetic and twisted jollies. And that, when he gets out, he finds something more positive to do with his time than inflict more harm to people who are already suffering.

Note: Yes, I hate Facebook with a passion but I hate assholes even more and yes, I'm aware that Mark Zuckerberg is an asshole too, its part of why I refuse to use Facebook.

Rule #340 is Do Not Deface Tribute Pages for Dead Children

#339 Oregano is NOT Marijuana

2011-03-25T14:20:00.000-07:00

Virginia Middle School Students Suspended for Oregano Possession
by citing a zero tolerance policy against "imitation controlled substances". That is, they got busted because the teacher thought they had a bag of pot, it wasn't and the teacher felt like a doofus and busted them anyway. With the backing of the school board.

Seriously? So I can presume the school cafeteria was raided shortly after these boys were suspended? I mean, come on, we know there's stuff in there that could be construed as an imitation controlled substance. When I was kid I heard about some other kid that desperately wanted to get high so he smoked some nutmeg. It got him really high, so high he went into convulsions and got to spend the night in the hospital.

Zero tolerance policies are often used as convenient means of removing common sense from any disciplinary proceedings. Its just plain stupid and I'd hope the families of the boys are planning on suing the school and the board for blowing the situation way, way out of proportion to the "crime".

Rule #339 is Oregano is NOT Marijuana

#338 Stupid Criminals Commit Stupid Crimes

2011-03-18T08:35:00.000-07:00

Authorities: Store owner kept winning lotto ticket

Sureshbha Ishvarbhai Patel decided to try and steal a wee $90,000 from one of his longtime customers who'd won the money playing a game called Carolina Cash 5.

Sureshbha told Kecia Parker her numbers hadn't won and then went to try and cash it in himself. He was unsuccessful and strong evidence of his crime came to light when Parker provided evidence that she'd played the same five numbers since the game began.

Rule #338 is Stupid Criminals Commit Stupid Crimes

#337 Respect Even the Pocket Bike

2011-03-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

Teens on pocket motorcycle injured in suspected DUI crash - Santa Cruz Sentinel

For those aren't aware of what a pocket bike is, its a tiny gas-powered motorcycle sized for a five year old. Some grown ups have figured out how to ride them with their knees going way out to the sides. I've even seen a racing league on Recreation Nation.

They are toys but they are also toys that can get you going fast enough to get you into real trouble. And two teens, who'd been drinking, riding one in traffic is a recipe for pain.

Keep in mind that these bikes are small enough to be completely below your line of sight from behind the wheel of a car. These teens were being incredibly reckless (and ironically wrecked) and the combination of alcohol on the driver's part did not help. Apparently, DUI is almost like a hobby for some people.

The end result of this sad little episode is that two teen boys got seriously busted up, neither was wearing a helmet and both had to get helicopted to hospitals over the hill.

Rule #337 is Respect Even the Pocket Bike or Your Head Is Not as Hard as the Ground or a Car's Bumper

#336 Do Your Damned Job, Especially When Your Job Entails Security from Terroristic Actions

2011-03-18T08:33:00.000-07:00

At Least 27 Honolulu TSA Officers Under Probe - Honolulu News Story - KITV Honolulu

The job of a TSA screen is to screen passengers and luggage for prohibited items including bombs or weapons.

These 27 agents just decided to not check luggage for months at a time. They are incredibly damned lucky nothing happened that resulted in anyone dying from their outrageous negligence. Because if that had happened then I think every single one of them should face manslaughter charges.

As it is, they should all lose their jobs and face prosecution.

So the TSA agents will grope your junk in the name of security but can't be arsed to actually look into the luggage for bombs? I'd love to be able to just choose parts of my job that I don't want to do.

How about a cop that doesn't feel like chasing down a murderer? Or a fireman who's not up to putting out the fires? What about a doctor who rubber stamps his patients instead of actually checking them out?

These people do not deserve their jobs, they do not deserve unemployment, they deserve to pay for their negligence and utter dereliction of duty.

Rule is #336 Do Your Damned Job, Especially When Your Job Entails Security from Terroristic Actions

#335 Don't Jump from Bridges

2011-03-18T08:30:00.000-07:00

Windsor teen survives Golden Gate Bridge jump

The kid apparently was dared to jump by his classmates and so he did. He fell about 200 feet into the cold waters of the San Francisco Bay and suffered a broken tailbone and some damage to his lungs but was mostly otherwise okay.

Still, to say he's lucky is a massive understatement. People commit suicide by jumping off the bridge. There's a reason for that. Its a really, really long way to fall onto the water. Note, I don't say into the water because, from that height, the water is effectively concrete.

How this kid survived is a miracle but I would take the under on the bet for how long this kid lives beyond this since he seems kind of stupid for doing it in the first place.

And I'd like to note that I grew up jumping from bridges into the Connecticut River in New England, about 30 or 40 feet, and from the cliffs above the Copper Mines, about 70 feet, outside of my town. But 200 feet is no joke and there's simply no way he should have survived.

Rule #335 is Don't Jump from Bridges

#334 Don't Shine a Spotlight on a Bad Review with a Ridiculous Lawsuit

2011-03-08T09:19:00.000-08:00

French Court Tosses Ridiculous Criminal Complaint By Israeli Against An American Over Book Review By A German

One would think that people of intellect would recognize a losing battle and throw in the towel and move on. Sometimes criticisms are hard to swallow but taking a poor review and turning it into a multinational lawsuit because you feel "wronged" is just plain stupid.

Today's cautionary tale comes from an Israeli author/law professor by the name of Karin Calvo-Goller. She wrote a book that was reviewed by another law professor in Germany, Thomas Weigand that wasn't even scathing, it just said the book didn't live up to its potential.

But Calvo-Goller was not okay with that. She wrote the editor of the journal in which Weigand's review was published, an American man by the name of Joseph Weiler and claimed the review was libelous. It was not and Weiler took the time to explain why it wasn't.

Did this soothe Calvo-Goller's aggravation? Nope. She filed a lawsuit for criminal defamation in a Paris court. Why Paris? Who knows. France had nothing to do with the matter at all.

Not unsurprisingly, she lost the lawsuit against Weiler. In fact, she lost badly enough to have the court issue sanctions against her because of the ridiculousness of the lawsuit.

So, not only has Karin Galvo-Goller's ego taken a nice big hit for her lawsuit happy stupidity, she brought a whole bunch more attention to her "cause", has probably taken some professional hits as a result and really needs to recognize when a battle should be fought and when its best to just move on.

Note, the image up on top is of Barbara Streisand's house on the California coast. She tried to sue some pilot/photographers who were photographing the entire coastline.The Streisand Effect is an attempt to hide or remove a piece of information has the unintended consequence of publicizing the information more widely.

Rule #334 is Don't Shine a Spotlight on a Bad Review with a Ridiculous Lawsuit

#333 Don't Jack Off at Kid's Parks (Doubly if You're an Anti-Masturbation Reverend)

2011-03-04T22:16:00.000-08:00

Southern Decadence protest leader booked with masturbating at kid's park

The (Dis)Honorable Reverend Grant Storms is an anti-masturbation "crusader" looking to rid the world of evil jackers and jillers who have the audacity to pleasure themselves and waste their precious seed not in the creation of new life but in the pursuit of a little tension release and feeling good.

Here's the thing. Not only is Grant Storms a total hypocrite, he's also a super creepy kid watching public jacker. He could be a pedophile, he could just be an idiot who gets off on jacking it in dangerous places.

Oh and Grant, the I-was-just-peeing-in-this-water-bottle defense is a long shot even if you don't get seen by two women while mid-stroke. Once that has happened, you're pretty well fucked.

And all of this would be kind of a big joke if Grant Storms hadn't made it his life's mission to grief on other people for their sexuality. When he's a public park jacker. He's most well known for griefing the Southern Decadence gay festival in New Orleans' French Quarter. And he's a dude who jacks off in his van near children's parks.

Methinks you just bought yourself a ~~butt~~boatload of pain, Grant. Enjoy your karmic boomerang sandwich.

Rule #333 is Don't Jack Off at Kid's Parks (Doubly if You're an Anti-Masturbation Reverend)

#332 Do Not Fake a Hostage Situation as a Marketing Stunt

2011-02-18T12:04:00.000-08:00

Two arrested in Dell marketing stunt

Two marketing genuises, Bryan Chester and Daniel Rawso, thought it would be a good idea to pretend to take an office of 400 people hostage as a great way to introduce a new product from Dell that allows plugs into their Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Only they didn't tell anyone else about their really, really stupid plan and the people, quite naturally, freaked.

They are lucky that no one got hurt and that they didn't get shot when the cops stormed the building.

And both Bryan and Daniel now face misdemeanor charges of Interfering with Public Duties and Deadly (Stupid) Conduct for their very, very poor judgment.

Rule #332 is Do Not Fake a Hostage Situation as a Marketing Stunt

#331 Keep Your Shirt on Congressman

2011-02-10T11:09:00.000-08:00

Chris Lee's Speedy Exit Differs from Previous Sex Scandals

So the whole world is enjoying a chuckle at Christopher Lee's expense in the wake of his sudden resignation for emailing a photo of himself without his shirt on to some "chick" he met on Craigslist. As sex scandals go, this one is more pre-sex scandal than real scandal although I'd bet his wife would not be interested in parsing the degree of his infidelity. Or maybe she would, I don't know.

First off, let me say that seeing a photo of Christopher Lee without his shirt on was nowhere near as awful as it could have been. Say if it had been a flabby slob of a moron like Newt Gingrich or, blech, Karl "Chin Farm" Rove, yeah, that'd be disgusting. But Christopher Lee keeps himself in a good shape, no boiler (protruding belly) and some muscular definition.

But that in no way changes the relevant facts of the incident that resulted in his abrupt resignation and departure from the public eye.

My guess is that Christopher Lee is now engaged in fighting to either save his marriage or packing up his crap and moving to a hotel, motel, Holiday Inn to get his internet freak on without worry.

Rule #331 is Keep Your Shirt on Congressman

#330 Stow Your Smarmy Grin While Getting Your Mugshot Taken

2011-02-10T09:23:00.000-08:00


Proud Panty Thief

Live Oak man arrested for stealing women's underwear, bras

And for having the smuggest ever mugshot for being a sexually deviant thief with a panty fetish.

Seriously, dude, you were arrested for stealing women's underwear and bras, why not wipe that "I jacked off in those panties" grin off your face and realize that some dude is gonna rape your stupid ass in prison.

Anyway, Conrad Smith, you are today's lucky winner of a stay in the pokey where your little fetish is going to result in your corny being plumbed. I hope it was worth it.

And the next time you need some wank fodder, why not just go and buy some panties at the mall and save yourself the trouble of being labeled as a sexually deviant dumbass?

On a related note, we now know who was buying all those used panties off Ebay.

Rule #330 is Stow Your Smarmy Grin While Getting Your Mugshot Taken
Rule #330a is Don't Steal Women's Underwear

#329 Do NOT Party On

2011-02-04T08:41:00.000-08:00

Not the Father of the Year

Parents' day at the beach involved a lot of beer: "James Arthur Lee, 54, and his wife, Wendy Maureen Lee, 47, went on a bender Jan. 22 after bringing their children, ages 2 through 8, to the beach at Half Moon Bay, said San Mateo County District Attorney Steve Wagstaffe."

The article goes on to say that James Arthur Lee was driving with a whopping .25% BAC, more than three times the legal limit which means he was completely tossed. His wife blew a .24%. These two idiots stopped twice on the way home to drink more beer too while their four kids sat in the back and were deeply ashamed and probably scared of the spectacle of their drunk parents.

Now I'm not going to sit here and say that your life is over when you have kids. It is actually just beginning in many ways but your hard partying, drunk driving and acting like a teenaged moron should be behind you by the time you get to 50 at the very least. I feel bad for these kids who have had to be removed from their parent's "care" while each of them serves jail time for their ridiculous stupidity.

There comes a time when you sack up, sober up and realize that there are more important things in your life than getting drunk, like keeping your kids safe and trying to drive on the roads when you're literally shitfaced.

Or, if you must get fall down stupid ass drunk then have the forethought to not do it front of your kids and, absolutely for damned sure, don't get behind the wheel. This story could have easily ended with all six of them dead, I wonder if that reality has settled in on James Arther Lee yet. He's lucky he didn't kill his entire family and merely got arrested.

Rule #329 is Do NOT Party On

#328 Do Not Take Pride in Producing Filth

2011-01-26T12:21:00.000-08:00

This man wants to teach others how to molest children.

"The Pedophile's Guide" Author Philip Ray Greaves II Arrested for signing and shipping a copy of his book to undercover deputies.

This is the guy who wrote a book about how to take good care of the children being molested and raped and sodomized.

"...It was clearly a manifesto on how to sexually batter children..."

Somehow this filth got posted to Amazon was being sold through the site for a short time (Hey Amazon, you'll sell this shit but closed up shop on Wikileaks? WTF?).

Anyway, Phillip proudly signed and shipped a copy of his pedophile's manual to an undercover deputy and was promptly or not so promptly arrested for it.

Which is fine, there's nobody that wants this pedophile out walking the streets free. I'll try to add a photo so that you can know who he is in case you ever come across him.

Update: Since I wrote this a couple of months ago, the world got ahold of the story, the listing was pulled and Greaves has been roundly, resoundingly and rightly pilloried for his manual of how to sex up children.

Rule #328 is Do Not Take Pride in Producing Filth

#327 Do Not Shine Lasers at Airplanes and Helicopters

2011-01-26T10:25:00.000-08:00

San Jose man jailed in laser shinings at aircraft

Christopher Bengel - Laser Moron

Christopher Bengel is today's What Not To Do idiot. He allegedly gets his jollies by smirking for the camera and by shining his green laser at aircraft.

Which is to say, he's recklessly endangering people's lives so he could get some cheap laughs.

Only those cheap laughs are going to send his smirking ass to prison. The FAA and authorities take this kind of limp shit seriously because of the risk it can pose to people on board the plane and people on the ground if that plane were to lose control and crash.

I would love to be a fly on the wall of his prison cell his first night in.
"What are you in for?"
"Shining a laser at planes."
".....Ok. Hey, let's play a game called Husbands and Wives, which do you want to be?"
"Uhhh, the husband."
"Okay, then why don't you come on over here and suck your wife's dick."

Enjoy your prison time, Christopher.

Rule #327 is Do Not Shine Lasers at Airplanes and Helicopters

#326 Don't Close the School Library and Replace It With a Coffeeshop

2010-12-08T10:50:00.000-08:00

Of course, you know a story with a headline like this, Lamar High's Library Ousts Books, Re-Opens as Coffee Shop is going to be southern and most likely Texan. And guess what? You're right.

I bet the principal considered putting in a strip club before "settling" on a coffee shop. Because lord knows we need more coffee and less book readerating. Especially in schools where learning leads to thinking which leads to realizing that your state is run by a bunch of dimwitted assholes in big hats.

Texas is the state that wants to rewrite textbooks to include creationism and other totally bullshit religion-based information that will push America even further behind the rest of the world in terms of really educating our children.

They didn't pave paradise because Texas ain't nothing like paradise and they didn't put up a parking lot but they didn't go too far off from the song.

Rule #326 is Don't Close the School Library and Replace It With a Coffeeshop

#325 Some Ideas are Just Plain Bad

2010-12-06T14:06:00.000-08:00

N.J. corrections department to overhaul family programs after alleged incident at sex offender facility during a "family day" event. The accused had no one visiting him so he thought he'd go and mingle by "accidentally" brushing up against a 9 year old girl. He swears he just barely came into contact with her breasts but ANY contact counts as sexual assault when you're in a prison yard stuffed full of sexual freakazoids.

At some point, someone really needed to just come right out and say that this whole idea of family day at the sex offender facility is a bad, bad, bad idea. Like almost as bad as the Free Alcohol and Drugs Day at the rehab center.

Rule #325 is Some Ideas are Just Plain Bad

#324 Just Go Kill Your Worthless Depraved Self

2010-12-02T14:57:00.000-08:00

This is the face of evil.

Sex offender accused of raping girl, 2, in store. Eugene Melendres Ramos is the worthless bag of shit in this grotesque case. He did jail time in 2003 for an assault on a 7 year old and then somehow got out of prison and thought it would be a good idea to assault a TWO YEAR OLD in the Dollar Tree in Union City.

No really, I couldn't make this sick shit up if I tried.

"The 2-year-old victim in Wednesday's incident had been shopping with her aunt and grandmother, police said. The adults briefly became separated from the girl, and Ramos grabbed her, Musgrove said.
The girl's grandmother turned into an aisle and found the girl "pinned down by the suspect," Musgrove said. Ramos had removed the girl's pants and diaper and was sexually assaulting her, the lieutenant said.
Ramos ran, with the grandmother and aunt in pursuit, police said. Demario Hawkins, who was soliciting donations outside the store for a nonprofit that helps homeless people, and another man, Sammy Johnson, also gave chase, police said. The men tackled him."

My advice for Eugene? Pretty simple and straightforward: Kill yourself. End your disgusting, worthless excuse for a life now. Save your family any further shame for your depravity. Save the world any further harm from your depravity. Kill yourself or some nice inmate will do the job for you once they figure out what you're locked up for.

Rule #324 is Just Go Kill Your Worthless Depraved Self

#323 Hate is Emotional Poison

2010-11-30T10:20:00.000-08:00

Swastika case another race issue for NM town in which three white power assholes getting off their shifts at McDonald's abuse a mentally disabled customer by branding him on the arm with a wire hanger swastika, carve a swastika into the back of his hair and use markers to write asshole-y things all over his body.

And now these three assholes are going to be the first to be prosecuted under new federal hate crime laws. Which is fine, these pricks should be behind bars sooner rather than later and for alot longer than alot shorter. The three defendants, William Hatch, Paul Beebe and Jesse Sanford, have pleaded not guilty by some ridiculous logic that forces guilty assholes to pretend they are innocent when they are clearly guilty and should be sent up the river for absolutely as long as possible.

People who hate all the time are poisoning themselves. The world doesn't have to be so dark and angry, there are some pretty awesome things in the world. Hate is not a family value but it is passed down from father to son and mother to daughter along with intolerance, anger and violent tendencies.

Taking out your impotent hate on a disabled man is about as pathetically cowardly and lame as it gets. These three tough guys had to assault someone incapable of fighting back because they are such "men". Here is hoping they get the maximum prison terms possible and spend every second of every minute of every day in prison fearing for their worthless little lives.

The only thing funny about this incident is that I'm sure none of these three morons would have been accepted into the Nazi party, they had standards and none of these three could have met them.

Rule #323 is Hate is Emotional Poison

#322 Do Not Steal Your Magazine's Content

2010-11-19T13:07:00.000-08:00

Today's cautionary tale comes in the form of one Judith Griggs, editor of a magazine called Cooks Source. She was running up against a deadline and was short an article for the magazine so she did what any desperate person might do, she went online, found something relevant and stole it for her own use.

Where things get really interesting is when she gets caught stealing content and then tries to spin it into her doing the owner of the content a favor by editing it. She even has the gall to suggest the original author PAY HER for her work in editing the article.

It gets better and better (and by that I mean worse and worse) for Judith since she's apparently got a rather huge ego that makes her think her dookie smells like Irish Spring or something. There is plenty more to enjoy, check out the story in greater detail, Cooks Source 'Apology' Really A Rant Blaming The Woman It Copied For Daring To Tell People.

Judith's venture is now, apparently, folding as a result of the exposure from her theft and subsequent follow up ego-driven idiocy. I highly doubt she'll learn from this but one can hope. The thing of it is that she could have diffused the situation at several points but choose to escalate things and caused her company to fail as a result. And that is definitely What Not To Do!

Rule #322 is Do Not Steal Your Magazine's Content

Update: Here's the original blog post by the original author, Monica Gaudio.

#321 Don't Use a 3 Year Old as Your "Mule"

2010-11-19T12:50:00.000-08:00

Crack Cocaine Found in Boston Preschooler's Shoe
So funny an asshole friend of the little girl's mother thought it would be hilarious to hide 17 bags of crack in a 3 year old's shoe.

So funny that I hope he gets some prison time that includes "quality time" with some horny inmates.

If he thinks using a child as a drug mule is funny, I'm sure he'll find a prison gang rape to be the height of hilarity. Or not.

Either way, Demare Gary, you are A) an asshole for dealing in crack, B) a gigantic asshole for stashing drugs in a child's shoes, and C) fresh meat.

Rule #321 is Don't Use a 3 Year Old as Your "Mule"

#320 Sigh, Don't Throw Your Child Into Traffic

2010-08-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

Man hurls toddler into traffic.

...saw a man later identified as John Taylor Jr., 21, yelling in the middle of Fifth Avenue near East 15th Street around 5:40 p.m. Saturday.

Taylor then picked up a toddler on the sidewalk, shook her violently and then hurled her into traffic, where she was run over by a vehicle, police said.

There's really not much more to say here, John Taylor Jr., has anger issues and dealt with them in close to the worst way possible. It is my fervent wish that John Taylor Jr. never ever be allowed near his child or anyone else's children ever again. Or just lock this loser up forever and be done with it.

And when he was confronted by an off-duty cop, he started to fight with him and kept fighting when regular cops showed up. Seems like a wonderful human being.

I know the hardest thing to do when you are furious is to take a step back, breathe a little bit and try to regain one's perspective. But if he'd done that then his daughter wouldn't have been taken from him, he wouldn't have gotten beaten up by the cops and he wouldn't be facing some pretty serious charges (resisting arrest, battery on a police officer and child endangerment).

Rule #320 is Sigh, Don't Throw Your Child Into Traffic

#319 Cum is NOT a Weapon

2010-08-18T08:43:00.000-07:00

Man allegedly ejaculated into water bottle not once but twice several months apart.

Michael Lallana is today's idiot offender award winner (don't be so jealous, the award is a small cell with a big cellmate). Not sure what point he was trying to make by spewing his seed into a co-worker's water bottle but I'm sure his cellmate will be fascinated to hear the tale.

For his depravity, Michael is now facing up to three years in jail for misdemeanor counts of releasing an offensive material in public (that would be the semen) and assault (with a gooey substance) with a conditional add-on of committing a crime for sexual gratification. He'll also be registered as a sex offender if/when he's convicted.

So yeah, folks, remember, bodily fluids are not to be used as weapons. That means no puking on people, no "depositing" sperm into their food/water, no bleeding on someone on purpose. Keep that nasty (and occasionally dangerous) stuff to yourself or you will be facing jail time like Mr. Bottle Blow up there.

Rule #319 is Cum is NOT a Weapon

#318 Don't Buy The Ride If You Aren't Willing to Pay the Ultimate Price

2010-07-13T10:46:00.000-07:00

Palo Alto Online : Stanford grad student dies in Yosemite fall Friday afternoon

Christina Chan died this last Friday after coming off a sheer rock wall about 400 feet off the canyon floor. She was "free soloing" which means climbing without safety gear, ropes, harnesses or other means of arresting downward movements.

Free soloing is an incredibly dangerous technique because there really is absolutely no room for error. You slip, you die. Your grip gives out, you die. You sneeze, you die. It is an unforgiving discipline usually undertaken by only the most skilled of climbers.

Christina was, from all accounts, an incredibly skilled climber. She taught climbing, she lived to climb and died doing the thing that made her the happiest which is something we should all aspire to.

While her life was cut short and we'll never really know what happened to peel her off the rock. In her case, she knew and accepted the risks of free soloing and, in the end, paid the ultimate price for the ultimate thrill.

But there is a part of me that wonders if she wished she'd been roped in as she feel those hundreds of feet to her death?

Rule #318 is Don't Buy The Ride If You Aren't Willing to Pay the Ultimate Price

#317 Do Not Try to Sell Your Child So You Can Buy More Meth

2010-06-25T10:23:00.000-07:00

Salinas couple tried to sell baby at Walmart for $25

Welcome to the spotlight of meth-fueled stupidity, Patrick Fousek and Samantha Tomasini. Your addiction to getting high has now put you at the forefront of drug addled idiocy. Patrick tried to sell his six month old child outside a Walmart in Salinas for the pathetic sum of $25. Which goes to show how much he valued his own flesh and blood, that is, not anywhere near as much as getting high for a little bit longer.

And that is just deeply, deeply sad and pathetic.

Meth is a helluva drug. A hell of an awful nightmarish descent into a bleak universe of stoniness and stupidity. I used to be scared of stuff like coke and crack but they seem pretty tame compared to the grip that meth gets on its users. Meth reaches deep inside an addict's body and right down into the soul where it wrenches and tears that soul to shreds and makes a person rationalize the irrational and attempt to undertake the unthinkable.

And, I'm not sure but I think this will completely disqualify Samantha Tomasini for the Mother of the Year voting.

Rule #317 is Do Not Try to Sell Your Child So You Can Buy More Meth

#316 Remember Who The Rescue is For

2010-06-25T10:18:00.000-07:00

Raft guide arrested after helping stranded rafter on Clear Creek because he obstructed the official rescue operations even though he was the one who called in the emergency.

This story smacks of a cop or cops with ego issues feeling like their moment to shine was stolen from them so they are behaving like petulant children. The rescue isn't about getting your picture in the paper, its about saving someone who's life is actually in real danger.

Getting into a pissing match about who is in charge totally overlooks the basic fact that a rescue's absolute first priority is, uhh, rescuing the endangered person(s).

I hope the charges against the river guide are dropped and that he is commended for acting to save the stranded rafter. Also that the Clear Creek sheriff's deputies get a stern talking to about the reason they do their job (hint, it ain't about getting your picture in the paper).

File this one under Egotistical Obstructions.

Rule #316 is Remember Who The Rescue is For

#315 Let It Go

2010-06-17T09:44:00.000-07:00


Lesley Shelby Garcia - Stabby Psycho

Watsonville woman arrested for stabbing a girl 13 times in her lower torso and genitals after the girls got into an argument over a guy (who, sadly, was probably thrilled at the thought of two chicks fighting over him).

Now one girl is permanently scarred and the other is going to prison. Nobody wins and Lesley Shelby Garcia, the stabber, is rightfully labeled a danger to society and will get prison time for her assault.

The worst part, neither of these two girls were even fighting over the guy, they were friends of the chicks who were fighting over him. Which makes the whole thing just a little bit more pathetic.

Next time, girls, just keep in mind that no guy is worth fighting over, no insult is worth trying to murder someone over and no stupid teen drama is worth spending the best years of your life behind bars.

#315 is Let It Go

#314 Don't Cry Wolf to the Coast Guard

2010-06-16T10:34:00.000-07:00

Salinas man gets 3½ years for faking distress signals and a whopping $100k fine/restitution for the wasted efforts of the Coast Guard to rescue this idiot.

Kurtis Thorstad just wants some attention, this is the second time he's called in a distress signal (actually a whole series of them). He was convicted of doing this exact same thing in 2004 as well. He's either an idiot, a lonely idiot or got dropped on his head as a child and can't process rational thoughts properly anymore.

No matter, he'll have a few years in the pokey to reconsider his stupid hobby. I bet he'd like to call for help from the pokey but he's the old man who cried wolf and nobody gives a damn anymore.

Rule #314 is Don't Cry Wolf to the Coast Guard

#313 Don't Clean Up Your Life by Selling Drugs

2010-06-16T08:48:00.000-07:00

Drug dealer slain in Santa Cruz wanted to clean up his life, family says; murder suspect due in court Thursday

I get that this kid's family would like to try and find some kind of silver lining in the death of their son. But let's face it, he was dealing meth, had a history of usage and dealing, had been busted for resisting arrest. I'm sorry but these are not the actions of someone trying to clean up their life. These are the actions of someone who is either stuck in their life situation or has chosen this path.

I feel bad for his family but, in some ways, they'd already lost their son years ago to the street and drugs.

Rule #313 is Don't Clean Up Your Life by Selling Drugs

#312 Double Standards for Student Athletes are Totally Bogus

2010-06-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

Mesa cheerleader's suspension raises school policy questions because the cheerleader, Brittney Hosac, was suspended from cheerleading for a year in the wake of getting busted for underage drinking. Other students and athletes busted at the same party did not receive anywhere near as harsh punishments.

The school says they allow coaches to dictate punishments for instances like this but that's a total cop out and means that there are different rules for different students based on their group affiliation. That's bogus and everyone can pretty plainly see that.

And the school officials are copping out by allowing coaches to enforce their rules. Coaches don't give a damn about rules, they give a damn about winning games and if their star quarterback gets busted for drinking or something worse then they can decide their star's learned his lesson and let him play. That's ridiculous. There's a clear conflict of interest there as the coach's job is tied to his team's performance and he wants to win as many games as possible and so he'd be unlikely to sanction his players properly.

A school (much like a society) needs to have the same rules and laws that apply to everyone regardless of standing, group affiliation or star status. Of course there's a double standard in the real world too but that's more based on socio-economic status (rich people can hire better lawyers etc.) than being a good athlete.

Rule #312 is Double Standards for Student Athletes are Totally Bogus

#311 Do Not Aid With a Side of Conversion

2010-06-16T08:33:00.000-07:00

Morocco defends expulsion of Christian workers

I've long had an issue with religiously based assistance, that is, aid workers from religious groups that give aid only so long as the helped attend services and are basically indoctrinated into that religion. The people generally are not seeking spiritual salvation, they are hungry, they need a place to sleep, they need wounds dressed. And putting religious hoops up for them to jump through to get help is rude at best and downright coerced conversion in the middle and downright torture at worst.

If you require someone to give up their belief system to receive aid then are you really doing your God's work or are you merely blackmailing people in dire straits? I'm strongly leaning towards the latter and it feels quite predatory for aid workers to put requirements on the aid they give.

Rule #311 is Do Not Aid With a Side of Conversion

#310 Don't Forget to Apply Some Common Sense

2010-05-28T08:15:00.000-07:00

Curiously Stupid

In Birmingham, Alabama, one elementary school girl has been suspended for giving pills to some of her school mates and three other girls have been suspended for taking them. The pills were Altoids breath mints.

Of course, this is a ridiculous over-reaction and application of a too narrowly defined No-Tolerance Policy. It amazes me that a school official would pursue this suspension once the fact that the pills were breath mints came to light. But, as sometimes happens, someone got their nose bent out of shape, maybe the girl said something the authority figure thought was rude or whatever so they were going to make an example of the girl. Who knows but the end result is a gross over-reaction by a ruleatarian.

Rule #310 is Don't Forget to Apply Some Common Sense

#309 Don't Eat Pets

2010-05-28T08:12:00.000-07:00

Cat Stew Lover Skewered In Italy after he went on about how delicious cat stew is and that he'd had it many, many times.

Cat stew may taste like angel sweat for all I know but I wouldn't know because I wouldn't eat the nasty stuff. Just like I don't eat dogs. I like my pets. And no, this is not the same as a farm girl naming her pigs.

Rule #309 is Don't Eat Pets

#308 Do Not Use Puke As a Weapon

2010-05-26T14:52:00.000-07:00

NJ man admits to vomit assault at Phillies game: "Matthew Clemmens, of Cherry Hill, N.J., pleaded guilty to one count each of simple assault, disorderly conduct and harassment for his conduct during an April 14 Phillies-Nationals game at Citizens Bank Park.

Clemmens stuck his fingers down his throat and vomited on Michael Vangelo, an off-duty Easton police captain, and one of Vangelo’s daughters after Clemmens’ companion was ejected from the park, Assistant District Attorney Patrick Doyle said."

Um yeah, here's the thing, Matthew. Regardless of the fact that you puked on a cop and his children, you should have known better. Or your parents should have raised you better. My guess is that the many people around you showed surprising restraint in subduing you after you took way beyond the pale with your puke attack.

The only thing that could top this disgusting episode is the next dumb, drunk fool thinking "I'm gonna get back at them by throwing some of my poop on them! That'll teach them for wanting to watch the baseball game rather than pay attention my drunken shouts." And no, I'm not looking forward to that day at all.

Rule #308 is Do Not Use Puke As a Weapon

#307 Send Serial Drunk Drivers to Prison

2010-05-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

Cops: Richmond motorcyclist killed by a DUI driver by the name of Juan Manuel Ruelas who got his second DUI in February. He had no license to drive and yet there he was behind the wheel, drunk and dangerous. This time he killed someone else.

And what kind of man is Juan Manuel Ruelas? After he ran over Anthony Walker on his motorcycle, Juan Manuel Ruelas got out of his truck and ran away like the alcoholic coward he is.

People who drive drunk regularly are selfish morons who are putting other people's lives at risk because they are lazy fools. It sickens me to think about this scumbag getting behind the wheel without regard to the fact that he's a drunk fool.

There is a serious disconnect between getting arrested for DUI twice and then still having access to a vehicle with which to drive drunk once again. Juan Manuel Ruelas should never, ever, ever be allowed to operate a motor vehicle. He should spend the rest of his life behind bars.

Rule #307 is Send Serial Drunk Drivers to Prison

#306 Consider the Risk vs. Reward

2010-04-06T10:59:00.000-07:00

Police make arrest in Jell-O tampering at Long Island supermarkets

How much does Jello pudding cost? A buck or so? So these two people are now facing jail time because they somehow came to the idea that scamming stores out of a few bucks worth of pudding was a good idea? And, of course, the cost of trying them in a court and putting them behind bars will fall to we, the people.

Seems like a pretty stupid way to get a criminal record to me.

Rule #306 is Consider the Risk vs. Reward

#305 Don't Update Your MySpace Page in the Middle of a Burglary

2010-04-06T10:58:00.000-07:00

Cops: Burglar logs into MySpace on store computer during a five hour burgle session in which he also surfed for porn and tried to sell previously stolen stuff.

Which is all to say that this 17 year old kid is incredibly stupid. I know I was an idiot at 17 but I was light years ahead of where this dumbass is.

Not that I want to help thieves and criminals in general but here's a tip, if you're breaking into somewhere, break in, get the shit and then get the hell out and gone. Don't act like you own the place, don't stop to have a stroke session, don't update your social networking sites.

Rule #305 is Don't Update Your MySpace Page in the Middle of a Burglary

#304 Don't Forget to Take Your Gun Out of Your Son's Truck

2010-04-06T10:51:00.000-07:00

Maypearl Student With Gun Remains Suspended After Hearing

The headline is misleading because the gun in question was his father's, it was unloaded and his dad accidentally left the handgun in his son's truck that he'd borrowed to go hunting.

I get that schools have to be hyper-vigilant and protective against the next Columbine wanna-bes.

But there needs to be some thought applied to the rules and, in this case, the circumstances would lead a mediator to conclude that the kid posed no threat to himself, other students or faculty. His father may be a bit of a forgetful dumbass but that shouldn't be held against the kid.

And there is the likelihood of long term harm to the kid's career if he was being scouted by baseball scouts and can now no longer play. The school system is opening itself up to lawsuits by applying the absolute letter of the rule in this case where it is just unwarranted.

Notwithstanding the tangential way the weapon was found, dogs sniffing for drugs which they did not find but the officers did find the unloaded handgun.

Rule #304 is Don't Forget to Take Your Gun Out of Your Son's Truck

#303 Don't Treat 6 Year Olds Like Adults

2010-03-13T18:37:00.000-08:00

Ionia kindergartner suspended for making gun with hand and, horror of horrors, he had a history of doing it.

Okay, I am the parent of a nearly 6 year old kid and I can barely get him to pay attention and follow my instructions when there is food or a toy or something he actually wants on the line. Expecting a small child to jump in the line is really, really stupid.

A child that young cannot and should not be treated like an adult who understands consequences clearly (and heck, read other posts here and you'll quickly see that many full on adults have no clue about consequences).

His mother is, rightfully, bewildered that the school would suspend her child for a very minor behavioral problem. My guess is the kindergarten teacher is all but worthless in guiding her charges towards better behavior.

I mean, really, you are going to suspend a child for making a gun shape with his fingers? On what grounds? There is simply no way a pointed finger could possibly be construed as a weapon. The school over-reacted badly to a simple problem and now they look like idiots, which they are.

Rule #303 is Don't Treat 6 Year Olds Like Adults

#302 Don't Kick Someone in the Face with Stilettos On

2010-03-13T18:31:00.000-08:00

Doorman blinded by stiletto heel though stabbing is misleading here. She kicked him in the face after he'd been pushed to the ground and stomped him in the eye with her stiletto heel.

The injured man was a bouncer at a bar and was kicking Sarah Marsden, the attacker, out. The doorman/bouncer got spit in his face by Marsden and, when he was shoved to the ground, she took advantage of the situation to blind him permanently with her stiletoo heel. There is simply no way this cannot be seen as a vicious and violent assault.

I hope he does recover and I hope the law prosecutes this woman and finds her guilty of the violent assault this clearly was.

Rule #302 is Don't Kick Someone in the Face with Stilettos On

#301 Don't Home School Your Kids With BS

2010-03-13T18:17:00.000-08:00

Top home-school texts dismiss Darwin, evolution because, according to the article, most home schoolers are Evangelical Christians who want to be told the totally bullshit creation story instead of a real education.

These kids are being raised to believe in stuff that's clearly and demonstrably false. How are these parents allowed to home school and teach them this crap?

Not only are they morons for believing in a fairy tale like creationism, they are doubly so morons for passing along their ignorance and idiocy to their kids.

Let's be perfectly clear, creationism and intelligent design are bullshit. Total and utter and complete bullshit. Trying to say they deserve the same stage as evolution is ridiculous and will result in ignorant kids becoming ignorant adults.

Rule #301 is Don't Home School Your Kids With BS

#300 Don't Be a Loser Tagger/Vandal

2010-03-07T08:52:00.000-08:00

Vandal caught spray painting Santa Cruz police cruiser

Kitt Alexander Hall, you are a worthless piece of shit who does nothing but cause damage by tagging your stupid tag all over towns. You don't even live in Santa Cruz and you came here and caused thousands and thousands of dollars of damage for no apparent reason.

You etched vehicle windows, you spray painted all over Pacific Avenue and were stupid enough (aerosol fumes maybe) to spray paint a police car when the cop was just inside the building.

I hope you are forced to pony up restitution, forced to clean up your mess and then sent to prison for a damned long time. Losers like you drag down society with your pathetic and worthless tagging crap.

You aren't an artist, you are a vandal. You aren't a counter culture voice, you are a criminal.

Rule #300 is Don't Be a Loser Tagger/Vandal

#299 Blackmail Rarely Ends Well

2010-02-17T08:44:00.000-08:00

UGA employee accused of extortion

In January, a female student reported that Dehelean had accused her of violating copyright laws while using a university computer. The student said Dehelean asked for money in order to clear her name, according to campus police.

Note, this copyright she supposedly violated wasn't one owned by the accussed, one Dorin Lucian Dehelean. He just decided to try and get some extra cash out of a college student (because we all know college students are rolling in money) by using fear tactics. Now good ol' Dorin's likely going to get fired and face criminal charges which will multiply if more attempted victims surface. Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

And the follow up wherein he has been fired.

Rule #299 is Blackmail Rarely Ends Well

#298 Keep Your Martial Arts in the Dojo

2010-02-17T08:30:00.000-08:00

Martial arts champ guilty of beating judo fan. Matthew Walker is a thug who just happens to be a well-trained judo master. After a Giants game, a stranger struck up a conversation with him which evolved into some horseplay which evolved into Walker and his buddy, Robert Davis, breaking the guy's leg and facial wounds.

And he faces a mere six months in jail for committing a violent assault on someone as well as robbing the man. What is wrong with this picture? He should be facing multiple years in jail for wanton assault with a deadly weapon, namely himself, as well as theft. How he got off with a lame little six month sentence is beyond me.

Rule #298 is Keep Your Martial Arts in the Dojo

#297 Don't Kidnap and Rape Old Ladies

2010-02-03T09:06:00.000-08:00

Man jailed for raping woman, 86, at Bradford care home. What kind of a loser scumbag kidnaps and rapes an 86 year old lady? A loser by the name of Dale Boocock, a 19 year old predator.

There is really no reason this bag of shit should ever be let out of prison. He's got a history of preying on vulnerable people and had actually been released from jail two days before this attack.

Its a good thing I'm not in charge because I'd just take this shitbag out behind the courthouse and put a damned bullet in his face.

Rule #297 is Don't Kidnap and Rape Old Ladies

#296 The First Rule of Being a School Bus Driver is to Stop Fights, Not Start Them

2009-12-28T13:11:00.000-08:00

Palm Beach County school bus driver encouraged brawl, tried to cover it up by putting his hat over the security camera in the bus. He also told the victims that he was going to let the two Latino boys, an 11 and 12 year old, get their butts kicked by three black students because of what they'd said the day before adding "If the black kids whoop your white ass, I ain't going to say nothing. There is more of them then there are of ya'll." Nice.

Think kids that young can't cause real damage? "One of the victims required three staples to his head to close the laceration to his scalp, police said. He also had a swollen nose and forehead. The other boy had a swollen face and jaw."

Which is, of course, to say that Andre Caldwell, the driver of the school bus is a racist dumbass who is likely going to be headed to prison for two counts of cruelty toward a child that could result in physical or mental injury, and one count of culpable negligence. Nice thinking, idiot.

Rule #296 is The First Rule of Being a School Bus Driver is to Stop Fights, Not Start Them

#295 Don't Leave Your Meth on the Floor

2009-12-28T09:23:00.000-08:00

Police report: 15-month-old boy taken to hospital, tests positive for meth

Look, I'm not going to judge, actually yes I am but in a minute. I get that you were a drug addict first and a mom second. I get that you care more about getting stoned then caring for your child. But look at it this way, that meth that you left on the floor and your baby ate? You can't smoke or ingest that meth now, you just wasted it. Oh and nearly killed your child but that's somewhat beside the point, isn't it?

This kid is lucky to be alive but unlucky to have drug addicts for parents.

Rule #295 is Don't Leave Your Meth on the Floor

#294 Do Not Hide Loaded Guns Around Your House

2009-12-16T14:33:00.000-08:00

Colo. boy shot with gun hidden by Christmas tree. His parents left for the day leaving their kid to find a hidden .22 so he could accidentally shoot himself in the leg.

How these moron parents aren't being brought up on child endangerment charges is beyond me.

Rule #294 is Do Not Hide Loaded Guns Around Your House (Especially if you have kids)

#293 Do Not Punish Those Setting a Great Example

2009-12-14T18:00:00.000-08:00

Shopkeeper fined...for not producing commercial rubbish because he recycled the large cardboard boxes the bikes he sold came in. Good thinking. Fine him for doing a good job in reducing his footprint.

Rule #293 is Do Not Punish Those Setting a Great Example

#292 Do Not Add Insult to Tragedy

2009-12-02T14:08:00.000-08:00

Two held in burglary of dead family's home
A Redwood City man and his girlfriend were arrested Tuesday night in connection with the burglary of a Sonoma home belonging to a family of four who died in a weekend crash, authorities said today.

Amber Marie True and Michael Vincent Gutierrez, you are guilty of grotesque predation in the wake of a horrible tragedy. I hope the few days of easy living you enjoyed are enough to make up for the years of prison time you just earned.

Here's a good guideline to figure out if you are a member of the bottom feeder club. If you hear about a horrible tragedy like this entire family being killed by some drunk asshole blazing a red light and your first thought is that you could probably go break into their house and steal their stuff then its a pretty sure bet that you are a bottom feeder.

So now, on top of the tragedy of the deaths of an entire family, the surviving relatives have to deal with scumbags ransacking the house and making off with valuables which also happen to be mementos for the survivors. This whole ordeal is horrible and True and Gutierrez deserve to have the book thrown at them for preying on tragedy.

Rule #292 is Do Not Add Insult to Tragedy

#291 Do Not Let Your Horniness Overwhelm Your Common Sense

2009-11-16T07:48:00.000-08:00

Selby optician John Gill found guilty of sex charges in the presence of a minor.

Which is to say, dude was playing with his cock while checking a teenaged girl's eyes. Which is further to say that dude is a horny moron (a hornon?) because the risk/reward calculation here is far, far skewed towards the "Not worth it" side.

There's a line that his common sense should have told him was just not worth crossing. You want to jack off? Fine. You want to jack off while you have a client in the chair? Not so fine.

Enjoy your stay in prison for lewd acts, Mr. Gill.

Rule #291 is Do Not Let Your Horniness Overwhelm Your Common Sense

#290 Don't Bugger Animals

2009-11-04T14:44:00.000-08:00

SC man gets 3 years in prison for sex with horse. Rodell Vereen got the sentence after pleading guilty for the second time in two years to having sex with the horse. The same horse.

Pretty safe to say that Rodell has some sort of a problem. Or that is one of the hottest horses known. But much, much more likely, he's got a screw or two loose. Or, in the words of Rashad Evans from last week's The Ultimate Fighter, that guy's cheese has fallen off the cracker.

Rule #290 is Don't Bugger Animals

#289 Sober Up After You Get a DWI

2009-10-16T07:49:00.000-07:00

Utica woman arrested for DWI twice in a night, five hours after getting busted for drunk driving and drug possession, Talitha Gorea was busted once again for drunk driving.

Which is to say, she has a problem with alcohol, drugs and an inability to understand why laws are in place. They aren't to punish people they are to protect other people from your incredible stupidity and selfishness.

Seriously, before you go and get back in the car after getting a DWI (or DUI out here in California) you should probably take a good long nap, sober up, get something to eat and give some serious thought to just what the fuck you are doing with your life.

Rule #289 is Sober Up After You Get a DWI

#288 Don't Beat Lessons Into Kids

2009-10-09T16:26:00.000-07:00

Dad guilty of abusing son who stole juice box by forcing him to drink so many juice boxes that he puked and then got out his belt and beat the kid, who by the way, is mentally disabled, on his back and butt.

This is beyond ridiculous and borders on the psychotic. The boy didn't learn anything except to be afraid of his father and his temper.

Just awful and very, very sad.

Rule #288 is Don't Beat Lessons Into Kids

#287 Sword Beats Bare Hand

2009-10-09T15:50:00.000-07:00

College student with sword kills burglary suspect after his house had already been burgled early in the day. I wish I had some sympathy for the burglar but he had no business stealing from the student and ended up paying the ultimate price for his life of crime.

Live by the steal, die by the sword. Better luck next time around.

Rule #287 is Sword Beats Bare Hand

#286 Don't Coddle Thugs

2009-09-08T23:24:00.000-07:00

Teenager jailed after attacking 15-year-old boys and filming "torture" video on his mobile

Ricardo Poli is a thug and a punk. He picked on younger boys, he abused them, he filmed it for his viewing pleasure after the fact and already has a record of similar behavior. He's also been busted toting a sawed off shotgun which is utterly useless except for killing people.

He's 18 now, time to send this piece of shit to prison for the next 15 or 20 years.

Rule #286 is Don't Coddle Thugs

#285 Cops, Don't Shoot the Fire Chief, Especially Not in Court

2009-09-08T23:03:00.000-07:00

Fire chief shot by cop in Ark. court over tickets. Basically, there are too many cops in a small town of less than 200 people. The cops spend all their time giving out tickets and people are tired of the bullshit.

The Fire Chief was in court for the second time that day and got into an argument with one of the cops who, eventually, got so pissed off at the Fire Chief that he pulled out his gun and shot him. No, he didn't kill him (which is kind of crazy given how close they must have been) and, as a result, the police ~~farce~~ force has been temporarily suspended.

The whole thing is one giant ClusterWTF.

Rule #285 is Cops, Don't Shoot the Fire Chief, Especially Not in Court

#284 Consider the Consequences

2009-09-03T11:04:00.000-07:00

Stranger accused of slapping crying child at store at least four times after he "warned" the 2 year old's mother that she had better shut her up. So this cranky 61 year old moron named Roger Stephens lays hands on someone else's child (note, I don't think its okay for someone to slap their own child) in order to teach that kid a lesson.

And he is the one who is going to get the painful lesson for his utter assholery. And yes, he does look like a real peach of an guy.

The odd part is that he somehow expected that slapping a child was going to quiet her down and even commented afterwards "See, I told you I would shut her up." But when he hit her, the little girl started screaming. How is that shutting her up?

No matter, one cranky asshole is going to prison for felony cruelty to children. I'm sure he'll be very well received by the other inmates.

Rule #284 is Consider the Consequences

#283 Don't Throw Dogs into Ravines

2009-09-01T08:33:00.000-07:00

Teen pleads guilty to tossing Chihuahua puppy into ravine, faces jail time.

The story is that this kid, Andrew Ariola Corpus, was drunk and playing with the dog, the dog nipped him so he stuffed it in a box and threw it in a ravine.

Which is to say, he's a piece of shit angry teenage drunk. I hope he gets the maximum sentence of a year in prison and realizes that being a mean douchebag of a human being is a shortcut to a really crappy life.

The dog was found five days later and was mostly okay just hungry, covered in ticks (eww) and cold.

Have you ever noticed that people tend to do some pretty stupid things when they're drunk? Jimmy Buffett has a song with a chorus of "A permanent reminder of a temporary feeling," that sums up the in-the-moment stupidity that will likely lead to this kid spending a year of his life behind bars for being a drunk dumbass.

Rule #283 is Don't Throw Dogs into Ravines

#282 Uhh, Don't Go for a Walk in Passaic, New Jersey?

2009-08-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

New Jersey police officer pounds man on tape for, apparently, doing nothing but going for a walk in his neighborhood.

The cop apparently just jumped out of the car, never said a word to him (his partner had spoken to him) and just laid into him with his fists and baton. Then they threw him in a jail cell for the night and neglected to treat his injuries which included a torn cornea.

All because he went for a walk. Which is, of course, pretty fucked up. I guess I'll be crossing Passaic, New Jersey off my potential vacation destinations (oh wait, it was never on it to begin with). And, oh yeah, Officer Joseph R. Rios III? You're doing a fine job of upholding the law by beating an unarmed man with your baton. You should be fired at the very least and possibly prosecuted for wanton brutality.

Rule #282 is Uhh, Don't Go for a Walk in Passaic, New Jersey?

#281 Don't Prey on Addicts to Sell Drugs

2009-08-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

Manager of Santa Cruz sober living environment suspected of dealing meth after they raided his house and found $1000 in methamphetamine.

Donald Peter is a low life preying on people who are trying to clean up their lives. Rather than do his job and support them, he sold them nasty drugs and now gets to go spend a good long time in prison. I hope there are some special circumstances charges that get added so that he gets a longer sentence.

Would I care so much if he'd been selling them pot? Probably not but I'm sympathetic to marijuana and have seen, firsthand, what meth does to people. It is a horrible, disgusting drug.

Rule #281 is Don't Prey on Addicts to Sell Drugs

#280 Just Fix It and Don't Make Such a Fuss

2009-08-23T08:53:00.001-07:00

Reddit, Sears, Grills That Cook Babies... And The Streisand Effect

Okay, so there was some munged up code on a Sears web page. It read Human Cooking -> Grills to Cook Babies and More -> Body Part Roaster.

Which is kind of funny, kind of sick but mostly harmless. When the story was posted on Reddit, Sears exerted great pressure and forced Reddit to remove the thread. The removal caused a massive uproar and, rather than just fixing the exploit and moving on, Sears has opened a great big can of Stupid on themselves.

Learn from other's mistakes, Sears. This could have easily been avoided if you'd just dealt with it.

Rule #280 is Just Fix It and Don't Make Such a Fuss

#279 Assumptions Makes Asses of People

2009-08-09T23:32:00.000-07:00

Walk Steady

Royal Newfoundland Constabulary Chief Joe Browne says the department will apologize for detaining Dane Spurrell. Police saw Spurrell walking along the road and assumed he was drunk because of the way he walked. He was not drunk. He is autistic.

#279 Assumptions Makes Asses of People

#278 Don't Go To Jail Over Condiments

2009-08-09T23:22:00.000-07:00

Dispute over condiments leads to arrest at Surprise KFC

Monique Aguet was pissed because the KFC employees had messed up her order. She went in to shout her displeasure, they ordered her to leave and followed her out to take down her license plate. When she tried to back out, the employee struck her trunk, she still tried to back out. And now, her final tally includes a misdemeanor disorderly conduct and a stupid, stupid, stupid felony count of aggravated assault.

Smooth move, Monique. You think they've got condiments for your stupid ass in prison?

The funniest thing is that many of the comments are from people in the area who all seem to agree that the service at that KFC is terrible and that they would have done worse. Seems like a lovely town, that Surprise, Arizona.

Rule #278 is Don't Go To Jail Over Condiments

#277 Don't Threaten Bullies with Baton Sodomy, Officer

2009-08-07T07:07:00.000-07:00

Scared Straight

What should a police officer do when a 14-year-old boy allegedly knocks a younger boy off his bike and punches him? He probably shouldn't threaten to sodomize him with his baton. But that's allegedly what Senior Constable Matthew Lake did in Australia. The boy secretly recorded Lake telling him if he heard of him doing anything like that again he would shove the baton "so far up your a—you won't know what day it is."

I hope the kid's family sues him and gets the cop fired. Its clear that the kid was a jerk for knocking the other, smaller kid off his bike but that in no way should have given the cop the right to threaten him so violently.

Rule #277 is Don't Threaten Bullies with Baton Sodomy, Officer

#276 Don't Get So Fat You Can Hide Stuff Under Your Fat Layers

2009-08-07T07:02:00.000-07:00

Inmate Hides Gun In Fat Layers

George Vera weighs a robust 600 pounds and was able to secrete not a tiny derringer but a full sized 9mm AND two magazines. The article does not state whether he was also hiding a small cache of food being slow cooked by his body heat.

They don't say what this poster child for 20 something diabetes and heart disease was arrested for but I somehow doubt it was for parking tickets.

Rule #276 is Don't Get So Fat You Can Hide Stuff Under Your Fat Layers

#275 Don't Teach Someone A Lesson By Trying to Murder Them

2009-07-28T10:40:00.000-07:00

Police: Asheville Firefighter Shot Bicyclist because he was riding with his child on a busy road. The bullet penetrated the cyclist's helmet but did not injure him.

And now, the lesson shall be taught to Mr. Charles Alexander Diez. The lesson is, don't shoot somebody in the expectation that you will teach them anything except for the obvious fact that you're an unbalanced nimrod who shouldn't be allowed to own guns or live freely. Both of which are going to be taken care of when you are tried and found guilty of attempted murder and sentenced to a long stay in the pokey.

The ridiculousness of Diez's extreme over-reaction is quelled slightly by the fact that he was unsuccessful in trying to kill the cyclist. Which, think about it, what lesson was he going to send to the cyclist's child who was on the bike with his father when Diez shot him? The whole story is just totally whacked.

Rule #275 is Don't Teach Someone A Lesson By Trying to Murder Them

#274 Don't Access Child Porn, Especially on Public Computers

2009-07-24T10:17:00.000-07:00

Man arrested at downtown Santa Cruz library, suspected of accessing child pornography.

Congratulations, Steve Jerome Hibbett, you're a moron and a degenerate. You not only like to look at pictures of children in compromising positions but you're stupid enough to do this in a public place where your actions could be and should be monitored.

My guess is that you will get a good long prison sentence that you, to be honest, richly deserve. You are part of the problems in the world, you are the lowest common denominator and your removal from society will make the world a better place. Enjoy prison, you will likely spend the rest of your miserable and disgusting life there.

Rule #274 is Don't Access Child Porn, Especially on Public Computers

#273 Private Information is Private for a Reason

2009-07-01T09:05:00.000-07:00

Enter Your Password

City officials in Bozeman, Montana, seemed to think that city employees should have nothing to hide. On employment applications, they demanded that prospective employees list their user names and passwords to "personal or business websites, web pages or memberships on any Internet-based chat rooms, social clubs or forums, to include, but not limited to: Facebook, Google, Yahoo, YouTube.com, MySpace, etc." After local media reported the demands, the city backed down.

I'd have loved to have been in the meeting where they decided that this was acceptable to try and require.

That and I'd love to have one of those applications to fill out just to point at it and laugh my ass off.

There is, simply no possible rationalization for a prospective employee to be required to supply private access information to online sites.

Rule #273 is Private Information is Private for a Reason

#271 Don't Coddle Scum

2009-06-25T21:51:00.000-07:00

Suspected gang member arrested with gun a day after he was sentenced to jail for gang fight in which someone got stabbed and badly beaten.

And this kid was out looking for trouble the day after his sentencing to a slap on the wrist 180 day work furlough.

Gang bangers need to get sent to prison whenever possible and deported if at all possible. Get rid of the scum, clean up the streets and quit coddling these punks because IT ISN'T WORKING.

Rule #271 is Don't Coddle Scum

#270 Remind Your Penis Who's In Charge

2009-06-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

SC governor admits affair, secret Argentina trip

Let's recap for those reading this from under a rock. Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina disappeared for seven days. He didn't tell his staff, his wife or his family where he was going. He mentioned he might go hiking so that's what his staff said he was doing. Instead, it turns out this bastion of Republican "family values" had flown to Argentina to screw his mistress.

I hope the sex was beyond awesome because his political life is, effectively, over and entirely deservedly so. His marriage should be over to but that's not for me to decide, if his wife has even a teaspoon of self esteem then they'll rake his skanky ass over the public coals and get a huge settlement out of him.

And, in the end, another powerful man is brought down by his cock and his inability to control it.

Rule #270 is Remind Your Penis Who's In Charge

#269 Remember That Controversial Can Be Code For You're A Douchebag

2009-06-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

Pratts Banned From U.S. Network after putting the option to a vote, E! heard loud and clear with 94% of votes saying to never mention either of the two morons on the channel again.

If only it were possible to extend the ban to all media and forget about them forever.

"We really didn't know which way it would go. They're a controversial couple, and we didn't know if people were done with them or not. But we went into it knowing that whatever they decided, we would do. We're prepared to live by the vote.

To which I loudly applaud from my feet. I despise these two insipid egoists and hope they fall down a well and have to eat each other to survive (though I'm pretty sure silicone has little to no nutritional value).

Rule #269 is Remember That Controversial Can Be Code For You're A Douchebag

#268 Don't Be a Hateful Douchebag from your Work Email

2009-06-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

Upstate NY school board president ‘regularly’ sends offensive e-mails.

Now, here's the thing, I know there are assholes who think that being racist is some kind of twisted cute or funny or acceptable. I know there are assholes who think that being offensive is humorous. I know that isn't going to change in my lifetime.

But using your professional email to forward hate-based emails to other people is not only offensive, its stupid and could even expose your company or school in this case to lawsuits.

If you truly feel the need to spread hate then you should probably do it from the relative privacy of your personal email and not doing it from work/school computers on their servers.

You could also examine why you are such a complete and utter asshat, Mr. Robert J. Weller, but I'm not holding my breath. The emails aren't funny or appropriate and basically paint you as a big, fat, white racist shitbag, I hope your wife and children are thoroughly ashamed of you and that your colleagues shun you and that you cry yourself to sleep every night now that you've been outed as the scumbag you are. I hope but you've probably surrounded yourself with other racist pricks who think being hateful is funny.

Rule #268 is Don't Be a Hateful Douchebag from your Work Email

#267 Don't Self-Mutilate to Teach Someone a Lesson

2009-06-01T07:16:00.000-07:00

Family axes wedding plans, Egyptian cuts off penis.

Who gets taught the lesson here? The parents who are sickened by their son's mutilation of his genitals or the son who now's gone from being a man to being a eunuch? Not to mention how excrutiatingly painful it must have been to slice off your own cock.

What else could he have done? Eloped, moved out of his house, defied his parents. But no, he cut off his own penis. Seems more than a little bit extreme to me.

Rule #267 is Don't Self-Mutilate to Teach Someone a Lesson

#266 Don't Taunt Wild Animals While Drunk and Stoned

2009-05-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

Zoo settles with brothers in tiger attack for $900,000. Recall that this attack was instigated by the two brothers and their friend while drunk and stoned. The tiger got pissed off enough to jump out of its enclosure, kill one of the three and slash one of the brothers before the cops had to shoot it to death.

And these two brothers get awarded nearly a million bucks for being douchebags?

I'm sure the majority of this settlement will go straight to their lawyers but neither of these two boys deserve a penny for their direct hand in taunting a wild animal and being a direct cause of their friend's death.

If there is any karmic justice in the world then both of them will suffer nightmares for the rest of their pathetic and wasted lives.

Rule #266 is Don't Taunt Wild Animals While Drunk and Stoned

#265 Running From the Police Equals Russian Roulette

2009-05-26T10:49:00.000-07:00

Motorcyclist being chased by CHP dies in crash

There are very few good endings to stories about people who run from the cops. You either get chased by a massive contingent of police officers who catch you or you crash and get seriously hurt or killed. It is the rare case when someone runs from the cops and gets away.

In this case, the guy got lit up by the rollers at 2 in the morning, he decided to try and run and ended up eating a fire hydrant at high speed. He died because he chose poorly. Learn from his mistake and don't try to run from the cops. You break the law, you get caught, take your lumps and live to live another day.

Rule #265 is Running From the Police Equals Russian Roulette