#445 No Humping Stuffed Animals in the Store!

(Stuffed) Horsefucker Sean Johnson

Sean Johnson had a need, apparently, to get his rocks off at the local Walmart but humping a stuffed animal, a brown, tan and red stuffed horse he "selected" from the clearance bin.

He took his "date" to the comforter aisle, pulled out his junk and went to town. All on internal security cam, of course.

So yes, somewhere out there is video of this loser humping a stuffed animal in the store.

After Johnson “achieved an orgasm and ejaculated on the stuffed horse’s chest area,” he placed the “soiled stuffed horse on top of a bed in a bag (comforter set) contaminating that property also.”

Floridian, 19, Arrested For Lewd Act With Stuffed Animal Inside Walmart Store

To allege that Mr. Johnson isn't the smartest kid running around with a boner would be an understatement. I hope and expect that he'll have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his inanimate object humping days.

Rule #445 is No Humping Stuffed Animals in the Store!

#423 Come for the Low Prices, Stay for the Nimrods Shooting Themselves in the Checkout...

Pistol-packing people of Walmart: Indiana man charged after gun goes off in checkout line, the article does not say he was fondling the gun absentmindedly while waiting to pay for his pre-landfill Made in China schlock but I'm going to presume he was.

This idiot, Kenneth Pirtle, is lucky he didn't kill himself or someone else with his poor firearm safety habits. If your gun is loaded and ready to fire in your pocket then you had better take precautions to avoid unintentional discharges. Keeping a round in the chamber and the safety off sounds badass but it is really just dumb as hell.

And let's note, this was a 65 year old man who accidentally fired his weapon while waiting in a checkout line at Walmart. Last I checked, Walmart isn't a seriously dangerous place to shop but maybe it is, I don't know. I do know that needing a gun to go shopping at Walmart would be a strong indicator to me that their deals aren't really worth it (hint, they never are worth it).

And yet another good reason to stay away from Wally World altogether (the Walton family is another reason, they are the tightest billionaires on the planet, donating a paltry 0.04% of their fortunes).

Rule #423 is Come for the Low Prices, Stay for the Nimrods Shooting Themselves in the Checkout...

#401 Life Is NOT a Videogame and You Are NOT a Hero

Orange City Walmart customer shoots at suspected shoplifter and hits his car along with two other cars and, thankfully, no children.

Okay, so here's the thing, shoplifting ISN'T a shootable offense. And this dude with the gun wasn't a cop, wasn't in danger and had truly no business drawing and firing his weapon. Which is why he's been arrested and charged with a bunch of crimes when he thought he was going to get a medal and the key to the city and hot chicks.

Um no.

A couple of things, one, Jose Martinez is not going to get away with this. Joe Martinez might. Joe Martin would be alot more likely to get away with this but Jose Martinez? Yeah, fuck no. Sorry but this is the current state of affairs in the US. A shitbag like George Zimmerman hunts down and murders a 17 year old black kid and gets bail, a black mother shot into the air to defend her home from armed intruders injuring no one and faces up to 20 years behind bars? Why? Because George Zimmerman has a judge father and is half white. The mother? Sorry, she's black and poor and how dare she try to protect herself and her children from armed intruders and not even hurting anyone in the process.

And the shoplifter happened to be a black man. The crux of the issue is that Jose is asserting that the shoplifter was driving his car towards him in an attempt to harm him. The reality, from eyewitnesses (and Walmart shoppers, dumbasses) is that Jose chased after the shoplifter's car shooting his gun wildly and even tried to open the passenger side door while the car was moving. Jose Martinez did everything possible to put his own dumb self in danger. Why? Because he had a gun and was just stiff with anticipation to use it to fight crime or some bullshit machismo fucktard mentality.

This is the natural result of insane gun laws like Stand Your Ground. This is the same law used as a (weak ass bullshit) defense of some asshole fat white dude not putting up with some kids playing their music too loud in their car at a stoplight so he just opens fire on them and kills one. Seriously? A kid's life is worth that little to you that you can't put up with some bad music for a minute or two?

Rule #401 is Life Is NOT a Videogame and You Are NOT a Hero

#317 Do Not Try to Sell Your Child So You Can Buy More Meth

Salinas couple tried to sell baby at Walmart for $25

Welcome to the spotlight of meth-fueled stupidity, Patrick Fousek and Samantha Tomasini. Your addiction to getting high has now put you at the forefront of drug addled idiocy. Patrick tried to sell his six month old child outside a Walmart in Salinas for the pathetic sum of $25. Which goes to show how much he valued his own flesh and blood, that is, not anywhere near as much as getting high for a little bit longer.

And that is just deeply, deeply sad and pathetic.

Meth is a helluva drug. A hell of an awful nightmarish descent into a bleak universe of stoniness and stupidity. I used to be scared of stuff like coke and crack but they seem pretty tame compared to the grip that meth gets on its users. Meth reaches deep inside an addict's body and right down into the soul where it wrenches and tears that soul to shreds and makes a person rationalize the irrational and attempt to undertake the unthinkable.

And, I'm not sure but I think this will completely disqualify Samantha Tomasini for the Mother of the Year voting. 

Rule #317 is Do Not Try to Sell Your Child So You Can Buy More Meth