#397 Don't Hump Strange Couches!

Man Busted for Couch Sex

Gerard Streator, couch fucker.

Look, we've all been there, you're innocently walking through the woods (yes, I know the story says the couch was on a curb next to a street, I'm embellishing for fun so shut up!) and come across couch abandoned there. But its clearly no ordinary couch, this is a couch of ill repute, a sex couch.

It's like a nymphomaniac is transmogrified into a couch. It can't do anything but send out desperate "HUMP ME" vibes.

Most people are immune to these vibes. Most people are immune to the desperate needs of the nympho couch. But not a highly sensitive and caring man like Gerard Streator. Nope.

He heard the couch's plaintive cries for sexual gratification that he, against his better judgment, of course, dropped his pants and did what any caring human being would do, he tried to ease that poor nympho couch's suffering.

Gerard's valiant and unselfish act was interrupted by an off-duty cop who happened to be running by. Which is a likely story, I'm guessing the cop was running to go hump the couch too and was angry that it was cheating on him with Gerard. And we all know it is damned foolish to get on a cop's bad side but Gerard had no way of knowing the couch had a cop boyfriend.

And now Gerard Streator, of Waukesha, you are in the deep stuff. That cop was so angry to catch you humping his couch that you got arrested and charged with lewd and lascivious behavior. Just for trying to ease the suffering of a transmogrified nymphomaniac couch.

If only Gerard had brought the couch home, wined it and dined it some and humped it in the comfort of his mother's basement then he wouldn't be facing prison time for humping some furniture.

Rule #397 is Don't Hump Strange Couches!