#427 OMG, WTF Lions at the Zoo are NOT for Petting

Rules (and common sense) do NOT apply to RenAe Ferguson

Michigan woman blames zoo losing finger tried pet caged lion

Hi, Renae (kudos on the annoying spelling!), the very fact that you are attempting to lay blame for your own unbelievably idiotic actions tells me all I need to know. You're a moron. A vain, culpability dodging moron.

She was told, repeatedly, to stay away from the lion cage. She ignored the warnings because she wanted to pet the lion. The lion, oddly enough, didn't give a shit what this dumb woman wanted and bit her when she stuck her idiot finger into his cage.

And now, of course, Renae is suing the zoo because it couldn't possibly be her fault she shoved her idiot finger into the face of a fucking LION (put another way, she was trying pet the King of the Jungle like he was a housecat)! She's lucky the lion didn't bite down, pull back and take her whole idiot hand.

But she probably tastes like idiot so the lion just had a nibble.

And of course, it is people like this that ruin close up experiences for everyone because they are unable to contain their idiotness from bubbling over, getting hurt and then suing to keep other, similar idiots from hurting themselves in the same way.

I'd actually be all for putting a door in and letting morons walk right in to "pet the kitties".

Rule #427 is OMG, WTF Lions at the Zoo are NOT for Petting

#425 If Your Plan Includes Impersonating a Cop, Your Plan Sucks

Do I look like a cop to you? 

Eric Dukes was angry, I get it, some asshole ripped off his bike and he wanted it back. Having a bike stolen is, seriously, one of the shittiest feelings I can think of. Bikes are more than transportation, bikes are tickets to freedom.

So he did what any crazy fool would do and got his pellet gun and some fake handcuffs and went to the nearby high school to see if he could scare some impressionable teenagers into giving his bike back. I'm not sure how that works because I know of zero teenage boys who wouldn't A.) Know Eric Dukes wasn't a cop. and B.) Would be able to tell immediately that his pellet gun posed little threat aside from a welt or possibly putting out an eye.

Charging this kid with possession of a weapon on campus is laughable given the potential for damage he could have caused compared to the nutbags who intend on causing massive death and mayhem.

He's a dumb kid who was trying to get his bike, my guess is the cops didn't care or that he didn't even report it stolen.

That he was arrested for not having a permit to carry a pellet gun is a little weird to me. I'd think there would be a bunch of other charges that would be substantially more compelling reasons to lock him up.

Sorry your bike got stolen, Eric Dukes, but your "plan" to recover it by intimidating some high school kids into returning it was shockingly stupid.

Rule #425 is If Your Plan Includes Impersonating a Cop, Your Plan Sucks

#422 Do Not Die For Your Stupid Cellphone, Stupid

Woman drops cell phone in toilet, two die in rescue attempt

Okay, a few immediate thoughts. One, how did she get her husband AND mother in law to jump in after HER cellphone? That is some damned impressive hen pecking right there. Two, an open pit toilet is just another name for a hole in the ground filled with shit. That is, ewwww!

The brand new phone was worth $320 or the lives of her husband and mother in law.

And the pit was "only" waist deep but the two were overcome by the fumes anyway. And let's just consider that little tidbit. Overcome by fumes means they asphyxiated on methane, airborne shit in the air and whatever other by-products are produced by massive quantities of waste. Ugh, I can think of several thousand other ways I'd prefer to go than effectively drowning in a giant pool of human feces.

For a stupid phone. The mind wobbles (yes, I'm well aware, this is what's known as an obscure pop reference that some will get and most will not).

Rule #422 is Do Not Die For Your Stupid Cellphone, Stupid

#421 Don't Try To Get Your Co-Worker Raped Because You Don't Like Them

She looks as sweet as arsenic pie.

Woman 'posted fake rape me invitation online to get men to attack colleague after row' , a woman named Joanne Berry is accused of going online and pretending to be her co-worker whom she apparently hated for some lame ass reason.

She then went on to attempt to get men to come to her co-workers house and "engage" in her rape fantasy and force their way in and have their way with her.

Note, Joanne Berry is the one doing this pretending to be her co-worker. That is, Joanne Berry is engaged in a substantial fraud in order to attempt to get back at her co-worker by means of using random horny losers to try and get one to rape her.

All of this just goes to show that Joanne Berry, and anyone who thinks like she does, is the scum of the earth. A coward by trying to use others to do her dirty work, a scumbag for trying to use rape as revenge.

Here is hoping she is found guilty and made a gigantic example of. The harshest sentence possible in the harshest prison possible. Let it be known that this kind of crime will not be acceptable ever.

Rule #421 is Don't Try To Get Your Co-Worker Raped Because You Don't Like Them

#394 Don't Lose Your Head

Teen pops head out of bus, hits NJ overpass, dies after being told at least three times by the guy on the bus to not mess with it.

 Sorry kid, you just made it into the finals of the Darwin Awards by finding a great way to off yourself in a likely gruesome and horrifying way in front of your friends who probably cheered you on right up until the minute your skull was crushed by the overpass.

 Rule #394 is Don't Lose Your Head

#293 Do Not Punish Those Setting a Great Example

Shopkeeper fined...for not producing commercial rubbish because he recycled the large cardboard boxes the bikes he sold came in. Good thinking. Fine him for doing a good job in reducing his footprint.

Rule #293 is Do Not Punish Those Setting a Great Example

#223 Keep Open Flames Away from the Gasoline

Man gets burned while using lighter to siphon gas.

That is, the guy wanted to check and see how much gas he'd already stolen so he used his lighter to try and light up the inside of the tank and got himself all burnt up AND arrested for theft and negligent use of burning materials (which totally sounds made up).

I shouldn't be as amazed as I am but I am.

Rule #223 is Keep Open Flames Away from the Gasoline

Rule #76 Don't Allow Dog Fighting On Your Property

You should have heard by now, Michael Vick has been charged with dog fighting on his Virginia property. He was, apparently, consulted on how so kill wounded dogs. Nice.

And, by nice, I mean, what a despicable scumbag piece of shit.

You just risked a $100 million football contract because you get your sick rocks off watching and betting on dogs ripping each other to shreds.

Even if you do avoid jail time, you're done in the NFL. Nobody wants to be around a piece of shit like you. But I highly doubt you are avoiding jail time, not when the Feds are pushing the case, that pretty much means they've got you by the balls already.

Rule #76 is Don't Allow or Encourage Dog Fighting on Your Property

Rule #65 Do Not Abuse Your Position of Power for Pooty

Trooper Suspended Over Porn Star Claims

The porn star got pulled over by James Randy Moss, a Tennessee State Trooper, for speeding, copped to some pills and then worked off her drug charge by blowing the cop in a secluded area.

Only problem is, she claims to have video and photos of the act.

Oops.

Nice work, James. Can't say as I blame you since Justis Richert, the porn star (stage name Barbie Cummings) is pretty shockingly cute. But still, dude. Do not abuse your position of power and most especially not on tape, dumbass.

Rule #65 is Do Not Abuse Your Position of Power for Pooty, That Goes Double for Doing on Tape

[Update: James Randy Moss has been canned. Also, an anonymous commenter left a link to a blog with more stuff about Barbie...I mean Justis. Hate to say it but she's cutest in the photo I've already seen, the rest of the photos don't do too much for me.]

Rule #16 Lose Some Weight Before Breaking in Via the Cooling Vent

Intruder Suffocates in Cooling Vent

The man in this Darwin Award finalist episode was 6 feet tall and 280 pounds. He died of positional asphyxiation, that is, he ended up head down, wedged in and couldn't expand his chest to breath.

The store he was breaking into was a craft store. I'm not quite sure what "loot" he was after but now he'll be forever immortalized as the idiot who died because he was too big to fit in a cooling vent.

Rule #16 is Lose Some Weight Before Breaking into a Store via the Cooling Vent.