#398 Don't Check On Your Fed-Exed Drug Packages

Peninsula Man Tries to Mail Meth, Cocaine to Philippines A good rule of thumb if you're going to try and mail illegal drugs across international borders or even across town, send the package and then forget all about it. You're sending illegal materials, you poor, dumb sap.

On Aug. 24, Gabriel Uribe-Bautista, 37, of Redwood City, dropped off two packages containing the illegal drugs at a FedEx store in Redwood City. ... Authorities then knew they had their man when Bautista called to find out why his packages had not yet arrived at their destination in the Philippines. He was promptly arrested on Sept. 12.

You might as well have left your business card in the package. Oh wait, you're unlikely to have a business card but hey, who knows, you probably do have business cards that say Drug Dealer under your name. Rule #398 is Don't Check On Your Fed-Exed Drug Packages

#379 Alcohol and Homemade Cannons are a Bad Combination

Man Kills Girlfriend with Cannon

"Richard Dale Fox, who was treated for wounds he suffered in the blast, was booked on suspicion of detonating an explosive device in a manner resulting in death, said San Diego Sheriff's Department homicide Sergeant David Martinez."

The guy had been drinking and, for some reason, the explosive powder he'd harvested from some fireworks didn't work out as planned. He ended up killing his girlfriend, the mother of his child, but the four other people in the trailer, including his child, were unharmed.

So it appears this dude was up late, drinking and playing around with his homemade cannon. It detonated or exploded, hurting him and killing his girlfriend. And he feels real bad about it, which is nice, but dude, you're playing with explosives while drinking, what in the hell did you expect was going to happen? Lucky you didn't kill everyone in the trailer and yourself, dumbass.

Rule #379 is Alcohol and Homemade Cannons are a Bad Combination

#369 Cross Your T's and Dot Your I's

Man found with pounds of pot

WATSONVILLE - A 28-year-old man was arrested Saturday evening near Riverside Drive and Lincoln Street after police smelled a strong scent of marijuana coming from his vehicle during a traffic stop, police records show.
Virakbot Oung was booked on suspicion of drug sales after officers found 2.5 pounds of marijuana in his vehicle, police records show.
Oung was stopped for a tail light violation about 6:40 p.m., police reported.

Now, I'm all for stupid criminals getting busted for being stupid. And Virakbot Oung qualifies as a stupid criminal. Here's the thing, brainiacs. If you are transporting a load of drugs or other illegal stuff in your car then take a few minutes to make sure you aren't a rolling violation. That is, check your lights, make sure your car is in legal working order before you set off.

If ol' Virakbot had replaced that 89 cent tail light bulb then he wouldn't have been pulled over and busted. Now he's not only facing jail time for trafficking, he's also got one pissed off dealer who probably thinks Virakbot now owes him the value of that lost weed. Which is a whole other set of problems he'll get to deal with.

Or you risk getting arrested with 2.5 pounds of weed which is just a hair or two over the "personal use" limit.

Rule #369 is Cross Your T's and Dot Your I's

Note, I am aware that the link to the original story is no longer working. I searched the Sentinel's archives and then realized that they haven't been added to since 2008. Which is to say, the Santa Cruz Sentinel may be the lamest hometown newspaper ever. We deserve better than this pathetic rag.

#337 Respect Even the Pocket Bike

Teens on pocket motorcycle injured in suspected DUI crash - Santa Cruz Sentinel

For those aren't aware of what a pocket bike is, its a tiny gas-powered motorcycle sized for a five year old. Some grown ups have figured out how to ride them with their knees going way out to the sides. I've even seen a racing league on Recreation Nation.

They are toys but they are also toys that can get you going fast enough to get you into real trouble. And two teens, who'd been drinking, riding one in traffic is a recipe for pain.

Keep in mind that these bikes are small enough to be completely below your line of sight from behind the wheel of a car. These teens were being incredibly reckless (and ironically wrecked) and the combination of alcohol on the driver's part did not help. Apparently, DUI is almost like a hobby for some people.

The end result of this sad little episode is that two teen boys got seriously busted up, neither was wearing a helmet and both had to get helicopted to hospitals over the hill.

Rule #337 is Respect Even the Pocket Bike or Your Head Is Not as Hard as the Ground or a Car's Bumper

#292 Do Not Add Insult to Tragedy

Two held in burglary of dead family's home
A Redwood City man and his girlfriend were arrested Tuesday night in connection with the burglary of a Sonoma home belonging to a family of four who died in a weekend crash, authorities said today.

Amber Marie True and Michael Vincent Gutierrez, you are guilty of grotesque predation in the wake of a horrible tragedy. I hope the few days of easy living you enjoyed are enough to make up for the years of prison time you just earned.

Here's a good guideline to figure out if you are a member of the bottom feeder club. If you hear about a horrible tragedy like this entire family being killed by some drunk asshole blazing a red light and your first thought is that you could probably go break into their house and steal their stuff then its a pretty sure bet that you are a bottom feeder.

So now, on top of the tragedy of the deaths of an entire family, the surviving relatives have to deal with scumbags ransacking the house and making off with valuables which also happen to be mementos for the survivors. This whole ordeal is horrible and True and Gutierrez deserve to have the book thrown at them for preying on tragedy.

Rule #292 is Do Not Add Insult to Tragedy

#251 Don't Eat Wild Mushrooms

Elderly man dies after eating wild mushrooms.

I'm sorry for the guy but it seems incredibly stupid and avoidable to not die this way. It is simply too easy to accidentally pick poisonous mushrooms and get really, really sick or to die.

And it isn't worth it. Mushrooms cost, what? Three or four bucks a pound?

Rule #251 is Don't Eat Wild Mushrooms

#220 Do Not Beat Your Buddy to Death as a Goodbye

Kick-boxing farewell ritual kills Japanese sailor after he had to fight 15 of his comrades in a 15 round fight.

Which is to say, to quit they got to kick his ass and it ended up costing him his life.

Nice.

I'd imagine the officers in charge aren't going to be in charge much longer.

Rule #220 is Do Not Beat Your Buddy to Death as a Goodbye

#142 Speed + Two Wheels + Dirt = Death

Motorcyclist speeding up to 130 mph killed in Solano County while he tried to pass cars by going on the median divide. There was dirt there and he lost control, flew off his bike and hit his head hard enough to knock it off (which is almost certainly what killed him).

I don't know if he was a new biker or just a bad biker but Yamaha R-1's are, effectively, racing motorcycles. They are insanely fast and pretty incredibly dangerous is misused, as this unidentified rider found out.

I would wager a few bucks that he wasn't older than 25.

Rule #142 is Speed + Two Wheels + Dirt = Death

Rule #18 Too Much Anything Can Kill You

We humans are a pretty fragile species, too little air and we die. Too much air and we die. Too little water and we die. Too Much Water and we die. Check that, too much water without relieving oneself and we die.

Or should that be, Too Much Water and Wii Die? The link above is to a story about a woman who took part in a contest to win a Nintendo Wii game system. The idea was to drink a bunch of water and then not go to the bathroom. The last one standing wins the Wii.

However, it is entirely possible to drink too much water and to get sick and to even die. All for a $300 game console. How depressing.

Rule #18 is Too Much Water Can Kill You, Too Much Anything Can Kill You.

Rule #17 Eating Wild Mushrooms Can Kill You

Aptos woman dies after 10-day battle with toxic mushrooms

"It's not uncommon for foreigners to pick mushrooms in California that look like safe ones in their own countries but are really toxic, said toxicologist Beth Manning of the California Poison Control System in San Francisco.

'They think they know what they're picking,' Manning said."

Eating wild mushrooms can kill you. Unless you know exactly what you are doing, don't eat wild mushrooms. And maybe even if you do know exactly what you are doing you'd still be better off not eating wild mushshrooms. The upsides are pretty minimal compared with the downsides.

Rest in Peace, Epifania Miranda.

Rule #17 is Don't Eat Wild Mushrooms, They May Taste Great But They Can Also Kill You