#411 Choose One, Ride Your Bike OR Masturbate, NOT Both!

Police: Man arrested for masturbating while riding bike through The Diag

Okay, I get it, you're a busy guy, got places to go, cum to spew and not enough time to get it all done so you multi-task. Only there are some things that should be considered single tasks, that is, don't try to do something else at the same time.

Masturbating is one of those. Riding a bike is another. Combining the two sounds like a great way to end up in the emergency room with a bunch of strangers laughing at you.

The article, not surprisingly, mentions that drugs were found on the 52 year old man. Hey, he's a 52 year old guy riding a bike and jacking off at the same time? Put him on America's Got Talent!

Or not. Do one thing at a time, put all your effort into it whether that is pedaling to your friend's house for a spanking or jacking your trouser snake.

Rule #411 is Choose One, Ride Your Bike OR Masturbate, NOT Both!

#400 Just Keep Your Dumb, Drunk and Over-Armed Ass At Home

Here's a thought. If you're going to drive around with unregistered illegal guns and an assortment of other weaponry in your car in addition to not one but two open alcohol containers (a beer and a gallon of rum, mmm, rum by the gallon screams deliciousness to me) then perhaps you want maybe not drive drunk.

Or not bring your arsenal with you out while drinking and driving. But this is pretty much exactly what Eileen Holland of Watsonville decided was a great idea. She got pulled over 3:30 in the morning for driving erratically and her bad morning got much worse quickly.

Cops Find Guns, Tear Gas, Open Bottles, etc. in Watsonville Woman's Car

I'm sure she had her reasons for being out driving drunk and armed to the teeth but I'm also pretty sure her reasons all suck and she's a danger to society as well as herself. Just stay home if you want to get all wasted and walk around your house with your weapons strapped to your body so you can pretend you're a badass. Just stay off the damned roads with your dumbass drunk self.

Rule #400 is Just Keep Your Dumb, Drunk and Over-Armed Ass At Home

#398 Don't Check On Your Fed-Exed Drug Packages

Peninsula Man Tries to Mail Meth, Cocaine to Philippines A good rule of thumb if you're going to try and mail illegal drugs across international borders or even across town, send the package and then forget all about it. You're sending illegal materials, you poor, dumb sap.

On Aug. 24, Gabriel Uribe-Bautista, 37, of Redwood City, dropped off two packages containing the illegal drugs at a FedEx store in Redwood City. ... Authorities then knew they had their man when Bautista called to find out why his packages had not yet arrived at their destination in the Philippines. He was promptly arrested on Sept. 12.

You might as well have left your business card in the package. Oh wait, you're unlikely to have a business card but hey, who knows, you probably do have business cards that say Drug Dealer under your name. Rule #398 is Don't Check On Your Fed-Exed Drug Packages

#388 Quit Being a Hypocrite

Blurred lines much?

Drug Rehab Counselor Arrested for Heroin Possession

Kristin Dempsey, the 33-year-old drug counselor arrested for heroin possession on Wednesday after a search of her home turned up 6.7 grams of the drug along with cash, packaging materials and other things things to sell heroin.

Yep, she was counseling against drug addiction at her job and creating more addicts in her free time. This is akin to the window replacement service getting caught throwing rocks through windows at night.

It seems to me that someone in a position of drug abatement authority like Morticia Kristin should be facing more charges than a typical person off the street charged with the same crime. She's a living conflict of interest.

Also, maybe ask your stylist to not make your eye brows look like little razor blades above your eyes, you look kind of scary.

Rule #388 is Quit Being a Hypocrite

#370 Drug Dealers: Please DO Put Up Drugs for Sale Fliers, You Morons

Not pillars of the community. Hey, is that Willie?

Officers raid home after 'Heroin for sale' sign given to police

PORTLAND, OR (KPTV) -A north Portland home was raided by police after a fed-up neighbor sent officers a flier that said "Heroin for sale" and gave the home's address.

It has been said that you'd have to be some kind of an idiot to do heroin. I know this because I'm one of the people that has said it. Any drug that requires you to jab yourself with a needle is no drug I have even the slightest interest in ever doing. Fuck that noise.

That said, these drug dealing morons put up fliers around the neighborhood advertising that you could get heroin at their house and included the address! Yeah. Which is to say, these dealers have quite obviously been "getting high off their own supply".

But I can't say I'm bummed, one more drug den shut down, another neighborhood being reclaimed and some hard core drug addicts removed from circulation.

Rule #370 is Drug Dealers: Please DO Put Up Drugs for Sale Fliers, You Morons

#369 Cross Your T's and Dot Your I's

Man found with pounds of pot

WATSONVILLE - A 28-year-old man was arrested Saturday evening near Riverside Drive and Lincoln Street after police smelled a strong scent of marijuana coming from his vehicle during a traffic stop, police records show.
Virakbot Oung was booked on suspicion of drug sales after officers found 2.5 pounds of marijuana in his vehicle, police records show.
Oung was stopped for a tail light violation about 6:40 p.m., police reported.

Now, I'm all for stupid criminals getting busted for being stupid. And Virakbot Oung qualifies as a stupid criminal. Here's the thing, brainiacs. If you are transporting a load of drugs or other illegal stuff in your car then take a few minutes to make sure you aren't a rolling violation. That is, check your lights, make sure your car is in legal working order before you set off.

If ol' Virakbot had replaced that 89 cent tail light bulb then he wouldn't have been pulled over and busted. Now he's not only facing jail time for trafficking, he's also got one pissed off dealer who probably thinks Virakbot now owes him the value of that lost weed. Which is a whole other set of problems he'll get to deal with.

Or you risk getting arrested with 2.5 pounds of weed which is just a hair or two over the "personal use" limit.

Rule #369 is Cross Your T's and Dot Your I's

Note, I am aware that the link to the original story is no longer working. I searched the Sentinel's archives and then realized that they haven't been added to since 2008. Which is to say, the Santa Cruz Sentinel may be the lamest hometown newspaper ever. We deserve better than this pathetic rag.

#321 Don't Use a 3 Year Old as Your "Mule"

Crack Cocaine Found in Boston Preschooler's Shoe
So funny an asshole friend of the little girl's mother thought it would be hilarious to hide 17 bags of crack in a 3 year old's shoe.

So funny that I hope he gets some prison time that includes "quality time" with some horny inmates.

If he thinks using a child as a drug mule is funny, I'm sure he'll find a prison gang rape to be the height of hilarity. Or not.

Either way, Demare Gary, you are A) an asshole for dealing in crack, B) a gigantic asshole for stashing drugs in a child's shoes, and C) fresh meat.

Rule #321 is Don't Use a 3 Year Old as Your "Mule"

#313 Don't Clean Up Your Life by Selling Drugs

Drug dealer slain in Santa Cruz wanted to clean up his life, family says; murder suspect due in court Thursday

I get that this kid's family would like to try and find some kind of silver lining in the death of their son. But let's face it, he was dealing meth, had a history of usage and dealing, had been busted for resisting arrest. I'm sorry but these are not the actions of someone trying to clean up their life. These are the actions of someone who is either stuck in their life situation or has chosen this path.

I feel bad for his family but, in some ways, they'd already lost their son years ago to the street and drugs.

Rule #313 is Don't Clean Up Your Life by Selling Drugs

#295 Don't Leave Your Meth on the Floor

Police report: 15-month-old boy taken to hospital, tests positive for meth

Look, I'm not going to judge, actually yes I am but in a minute. I get that you were a drug addict first and a mom second. I get that you care more about getting stoned then caring for your child. But look at it this way, that meth that you left on the floor and your baby ate? You can't smoke or ingest that meth now, you just wasted it. Oh and nearly killed your child but that's somewhat beside the point, isn't it?

This kid is lucky to be alive but unlucky to have drug addicts for parents.

Rule #295 is Don't Leave Your Meth on the Floor

#281 Don't Prey on Addicts to Sell Drugs

Manager of Santa Cruz sober living environment suspected of dealing meth after they raided his house and found $1000 in methamphetamine.

Donald Peter is a low life preying on people who are trying to clean up their lives. Rather than do his job and support them, he sold them nasty drugs and now gets to go spend a good long time in prison. I hope there are some special circumstances charges that get added so that he gets a longer sentence.

Would I care so much if he'd been selling them pot? Probably not but I'm sympathetic to marijuana and have seen, firsthand, what meth does to people. It is a horrible, disgusting drug.

Rule #281 is Don't Prey on Addicts to Sell Drugs

#180 Don't Use Passenger Bags to Test Your Drug Sniffing Dogs

A customs official hid the package in a suitcase belonging to a passenger arriving from Hong Kong as a training exercise for sniffer dogs Sunday, but lost track of both drugs and suitcase during the practice session, a spokeswoman for Tokyo customs said.

Um yeah, procedure calls for doing it in a manner that won't result in drugs being distributed to passengers. But the customs official admitted having done this same thing in the past without incident. That is, customs put drugs into passengers bags in order to train and test their drug sniffing dogs without passenger consent or notification.

Which sounds like an abysmally stupid thing to do. And it is. Tokyo customs is requesting that whoever ended up with the sack of marijuana contact them as soon as possible. Good luck with that.

Rule #180 is Don't Use Passenger Bags to Test Your Drug Sniffing Dogs

Rule #81 Don't Complain to the Cops about Bad Crack You Bought

Woman calls police about 'fake' cocaine and gets arrested for possession.

Good thinking, crackhead! Complain to the cops about your cheap, bad drugs being worse than usual and find yourself arrested. I'd almost feel guilty arresting Juanita Marie Jones and it kind of makes me sad to realize that she's 53 years old and a crackhead.

A way better strategy would have been to drop a dime on the bad crack dealer but that's a bit like biting the hand that feeds you (poison).

Rule #81 is Don't Complain to the Cops about Bad Crack You Bought