#446 Don't Attempt To Goldplate Your Nuts or People Will Think You're Nuts

L.A. Gang Member Gold Plate’s Own Genitals To Death because really, who could refuse a guy with gold-plated balls?

Guessing the multiple facial tattoos and that sweet COMPTON where his mustache might go are strong indicators of this guy's utter lack of intellect.

Rather tellingly, this is the third case in recent years of idiots offing themselves while trying to gold plate their nut sacks. The doctor on the story notes that gold plating's one's balls is a medical impossibility. But don't let that stop the morons, nope!

Rule #446 is Don't Attempt To Goldplate Your Nuts or People Will Think You're Nuts

Update: Apparently nobody is this stupid. Snopes says the story is false.

#428 Death by Selfie Ruled An Idioticide

Dumbass kills himself while posing with his buddy's gun for a selfie.

Note, his hand is not the gun that killed him.

Oscar Otero Aquilar "accidentally" discharged a gun he was holding into his head while trying to take an "I'm a tough guy" selfie with which to woo the ladies.

Here's the thing these Darwin Inductees never get before its too late. A gun is a tool, it is nearly inert and can be used as a hammer if you keep your finger off the trigger. I don't recommened it but you can.

The ONLY way 99.999% of guns will fire is by pulling the trigger.
The ONLY way this moron dies is by his own stupidity (and his buddy who handed him a loaded, with a round in the chamber and safety off .45 to pose with).
The ONLY way this idiot dies is by pointing the gun at himself and pulling the trigger. This is an idioticide.

You treat a gun like a toy and it'll come back and demonstrate why it is not. Oscar didn't learn anything, maybe his friends did? Hard to say since one is going to prison and the other ran and hid and is still hiding.

Treat a gun like what it is, a dealer in high velocity death. Handle a gun properly and they are as safe as a hammer. Mishandle them and die or get maimed or maim a friend. How do people still not get this?

Rule #428 is Death by Selfie Ruled an Idioticide

#427 OMG, WTF Lions at the Zoo are NOT for Petting

Rules (and common sense) do NOT apply to RenAe Ferguson

Michigan woman blames zoo losing finger tried pet caged lion

Hi, Renae (kudos on the annoying spelling!), the very fact that you are attempting to lay blame for your own unbelievably idiotic actions tells me all I need to know. You're a moron. A vain, culpability dodging moron.

She was told, repeatedly, to stay away from the lion cage. She ignored the warnings because she wanted to pet the lion. The lion, oddly enough, didn't give a shit what this dumb woman wanted and bit her when she stuck her idiot finger into his cage.

And now, of course, Renae is suing the zoo because it couldn't possibly be her fault she shoved her idiot finger into the face of a fucking LION (put another way, she was trying pet the King of the Jungle like he was a housecat)! She's lucky the lion didn't bite down, pull back and take her whole idiot hand.

But she probably tastes like idiot so the lion just had a nibble.

And of course, it is people like this that ruin close up experiences for everyone because they are unable to contain their idiotness from bubbling over, getting hurt and then suing to keep other, similar idiots from hurting themselves in the same way.

I'd actually be all for putting a door in and letting morons walk right in to "pet the kitties".

Rule #427 is OMG, WTF Lions at the Zoo are NOT for Petting

#415 Pay for Your Sandwich, It Is Way Cheaper Than Prison for Attempted Arson

Jail >>> Paying for his food.

People are, by and large, reactive idiots. We're giants chips on tiny shoulders barrelling around looking for something "dumb" enough to knock that chip off. So we can, semi-justifiably through twisted logics, vent our usually impotent rage at a validated target.

Of course, most of this happens below the level of conscious thought. Witness 57 year old Ronald Zirino, a regular at Anita Gourmet Food & Company in Wellington, Florida where he also helped with machine maintenance. He apparently didn't want to pay for his sub, an argument ensued and he said he would "pray for bad things" to happen to the owner.

Which is a jerk thing to do on the face of it, only he went a step or two beyond praying. He went ahead and blew out the pilot lights on her propane stoves while leaving the gas flowing. That is, he tried to turn the restaurant into a firebomb. Because he didn't want to pay for his sandwich. And now he's facing multiple counts including attempted arson, fire bomb, aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and criminal mischief.

Because he didn't want to pay for his sandwich.

Lucky he wasn't packing a gun at the time because he could have shot the owner dead and then said he felt threatened by her insistence that he pay for the food he intended to consume. Have I mentioned how truly insane Stand Your Ground laws are and that I'm not willing to set foot in any state that has that law on the books?

Rule #415 is Pay for Your Sandwich, It Is Way Cheaper Than Prison for Attempted Arson

#392 Try Not To Be This Guy

Upset over lost Mensa application? No.

Boyfriend Goes Into Jealous Rage Over Mitt Romney

Lowell Turpin didn't recognize the man on his girlfriend's Facebook page so he did what any man would do and confronted and then punched his girlfriend in the face.

The man in the photo? It was Mitt Romney. Yeah, the asshat vulture capitalist robot trying to buy the White House with his massive corporate "donors".

Now, some might say he did the right thing because Mitt Romney is no friend to the lower class (I'm making an assumption here) and her support of him and his failed policies of giving more money to the rich in the hopes that some of that money will trickle down to the middle class and poor is a decidedly shitty economic philosophy.

But I'm guessing Lowell's economic philosophy is more like checking his pockets to see if he can afford more fried chicken.

Regardless, punching your girlfriend in the face because of a photo (whoever it may be) on her Facebook page (I'm impressed he can work a mouse really) is ridiculous and now, Lowell, you look like an even bigger moron who can't close his mouth because he's too fat than you did before.

And no, they don't have drive thru in prison, sorry.

Rule #392 Try Not To Be This Guy

#383 Spy Pens Only Work in Movies, Dumbass

Teacher Suspected of Making Porn at Pajaro Dunes With 'Spy Pen'

This is Aldrin Jayson "A.J." Nicolas, he is, or was, a choir instructor with Vivace Youth Chorus out of the Silicon Valley. Now he's going to be some guy's girlfriend in prison because he came up with the brilliant idea to use a spy pen to record some of the girls, aged 13 to 17, he was chaperoning as they undressed in a hotel bathroom at the Pajaro Dunes west of Watsonville.

And by brilliant I mean, of course, totally fucking idiotic.  Notwithstanding his badly out of whack (heh) risk versus reward algorithm, it was just dumb of him to think that the girls wouldn't notice an odd pen pointed at them in the bathroom. They investigated, realized it was a video camera and then the whole pile of steaming shit that is ol' AJ hit the fan.

The law really doesn't look at all kindly, nor does anyone else for that matter, on supposedly trusted stewards of children being caught trying to exploit them and most certainly not trying to exploit them sexually. I'd imagine he's going to get a whole bunch of books thrown at him before he gets a couple of years in prison and permanently labeled as a sex offender.

Rule #383 is Spy Pens Only Work in Movies, Dumbass


Update: Aldrin has pled no contest to the charges. He faces a maximum of five years in prison for three felony counts of creating child pornography and two misdemeanors. I would hope that, in hindsight, Aldrin would choose not to do such a colossally stupid thing.

#355 The Internet Isn't Really Anonymous, Dumbass

NY fugitive taunts police on Facebook to catch him

Nice work, Victor Burgos, you thought you'd rub it in to the cops that they couldn't catch you because you're such a master criminal (who beats up and harasses women). So you went on Facebook and taunted them and then they showed up to arrest your dumb, dumb ass.

One less idiot criminal mastermind on the streets. Thank goodness he was kind enough to post enough about his crimes to make it easier to catch him, prosecute him and send his dumbass away.

Rule #355 is The Internet Isn't Really Anonymous, Dumbass

#353 Don't Drink and Drive While on Duty

Miami Beach cop, in ATV crash with 3 injured, was allegedly drinking and had a woman he'd picked up at the bar on the back of his police ATV when he collided with those stupid people who were too slow to get out of his way (yes, that's a joke).

To their credit, his superiors have expressed outrage that he'd engage in such behavior and will be an out of work cop in short order if the allegations are proved true.

But still, drinking and driving your police ATV on the beach with a bar floozy on the back? And you didn't think you'd get caught before you ran into not one, not two but three people? You should not be allowed to possess a firearm, Officer Dumbshit!

Rule #353 is Don't Drink and Drive While on Duty

#327 Do Not Shine Lasers at Airplanes and Helicopters

San Jose man jailed in laser shinings at aircraft

Christopher Bengel - Laser Moron

Christopher Bengel is today's What Not To Do idiot. He allegedly gets his jollies by smirking for the camera and by shining his green laser at aircraft.

Which is to say, he's recklessly endangering people's lives so he could get some cheap laughs.

Only those cheap laughs are going to send his smirking ass to prison. The FAA and authorities take this kind of limp shit seriously because of the risk it can pose to people on board the plane and people on the ground if that plane were to lose control and crash.

I would love to be a fly on the wall of his prison cell his first night in.
"What are you in for?"
"Shining a laser at planes."
".....Ok. Hey, let's play a game called Husbands and Wives, which do you want to be?"
"Uhhh, the husband."
"Okay, then why don't you come on over here and suck your wife's dick."

Enjoy your prison time, Christopher.

Rule #327 is Do Not Shine Lasers at Airplanes and Helicopters

#321 Don't Use a 3 Year Old as Your "Mule"

Crack Cocaine Found in Boston Preschooler's Shoe
So funny an asshole friend of the little girl's mother thought it would be hilarious to hide 17 bags of crack in a 3 year old's shoe.

So funny that I hope he gets some prison time that includes "quality time" with some horny inmates.

If he thinks using a child as a drug mule is funny, I'm sure he'll find a prison gang rape to be the height of hilarity. Or not.

Either way, Demare Gary, you are A) an asshole for dealing in crack, B) a gigantic asshole for stashing drugs in a child's shoes, and C) fresh meat.

Rule #321 is Don't Use a 3 Year Old as Your "Mule"

#305 Don't Update Your MySpace Page in the Middle of a Burglary

Cops: Burglar logs into MySpace on store computer during a five hour burgle session in which he also surfed for porn and tried to sell previously stolen stuff.

Which is all to say that this 17 year old kid is incredibly stupid. I know I was an idiot at 17 but I was light years ahead of where this dumbass is.

Not that I want to help thieves and criminals in general but here's a tip, if you're breaking into somewhere, break in, get the shit and then get the hell out and gone. Don't act like you own the place, don't stop to have a stroke session, don't update your social networking sites.

Rule #305 is Don't Update Your MySpace Page in the Middle of a Burglary

#166 Don't Try To Cash Ridiculously Fake Checks

Texas man trying to cash $360 billion check arrested and, one hopes, laughed at by every single person he crossed paths with on the way to his cell.

Granted, he's just 21 and from Texas so we should all cut him a little slack but even the dimmest among us should be able to recognize that the check was far, far in excess of anything anyone could have possibly written him.

Come on, do you know how many zeros there are in 360 billion? An awful lot.

Charles Ray Fuller, you are the moron of the day. Enjoy your reign but it'll be a short one as I'm sure there's someone else out there doing something even dumber and more patently ridiculous.

Oh yeah, he also tried to cash the check with a concealed weapon AND a sack of weed. Which goes to demonstrate what an absolute fool he really is. Next time, Charles Ray Fuller, aim a little lower and just forge the check for a couple thousand and you're alot less likely to be laughed at and prosecuted. Moderation in all things, including crime, is alot less likely to raise suspicions but, since you're a Texan, maybe you thought $360,000,000,000 WAS being moderate.

Rule #166 is Don't Try To Cash Ridiculously Fake Checks