#426 Face Tats are NEVER a Good Idea, Doubly So for an ID Thief

George Zimmerman, is that you?

Florida Man With Car Logo Tattooed On His Face Arrested for Identity Theft

Ahh, where to start. This is rather fertile territory for WNTD, this guy is a full on cautionary tale from the face tats to the vacant slightly tilted head to the tiny opening in his mouth. And the neckbeard and the neck tats.

And, of course, let's not overlook that this dipshit tattooed the logo for Bentley on this forehead. His chosen profession? Identity theft. Makes sense he'd want to be someone else after looking at his own dumb ass self in the mirror every morning.

Say hello to 26-year-old Derek Denesevich who, after buying records from Porscha (sooooo classy!) Kyles, filed false tax returns on Broward County residents. More than 100 people were affected by his scheme with total losses of more than $120,000.

Porscha is now serving a 3 year sentence in federal prison (real life Orange is the New Black!) for ID theft. Derek turned himself in because, come on, it wasn't like he was going to be able to hide anywhere, ever.

Bentleys and Porsches, oh my. Not really. Dude should have a Pontiac logo on his face, he might be able to afford one of those someday.

Rule #426 is Face Tats are NEVER a Good Idea, Doubly So for an ID Thief

#415 Pay for Your Sandwich, It Is Way Cheaper Than Prison for Attempted Arson

Jail >>> Paying for his food.

People are, by and large, reactive idiots. We're giants chips on tiny shoulders barrelling around looking for something "dumb" enough to knock that chip off. So we can, semi-justifiably through twisted logics, vent our usually impotent rage at a validated target.

Of course, most of this happens below the level of conscious thought. Witness 57 year old Ronald Zirino, a regular at Anita Gourmet Food & Company in Wellington, Florida where he also helped with machine maintenance. He apparently didn't want to pay for his sub, an argument ensued and he said he would "pray for bad things" to happen to the owner.

Which is a jerk thing to do on the face of it, only he went a step or two beyond praying. He went ahead and blew out the pilot lights on her propane stoves while leaving the gas flowing. That is, he tried to turn the restaurant into a firebomb. Because he didn't want to pay for his sandwich. And now he's facing multiple counts including attempted arson, fire bomb, aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and criminal mischief.

Because he didn't want to pay for his sandwich.

Lucky he wasn't packing a gun at the time because he could have shot the owner dead and then said he felt threatened by her insistence that he pay for the food he intended to consume. Have I mentioned how truly insane Stand Your Ground laws are and that I'm not willing to set foot in any state that has that law on the books?

Rule #415 is Pay for Your Sandwich, It Is Way Cheaper Than Prison for Attempted Arson

#338 Stupid Criminals Commit Stupid Crimes

Authorities: Store owner kept winning lotto ticket

Sureshbha Ishvarbhai Patel decided to try and steal a wee $90,000 from one of his longtime customers who'd won the money playing a game called Carolina Cash 5.

Sureshbha told Kecia Parker her numbers hadn't won and then went to try and cash it in himself. He was unsuccessful and strong evidence of his crime came to light when Parker provided evidence that she'd played the same five numbers since the game began.

Rule #338 is Stupid Criminals Commit Stupid Crimes

#322 Do Not Steal Your Magazine's Content

Today's cautionary tale comes in the form of one Judith Griggs, editor of a magazine called Cooks Source. She was running up against a deadline and was short an article for the magazine so she did what any desperate person might do, she went online, found something relevant and stole it for her own use.

Where things get really interesting is when she gets caught stealing content and then tries to spin it into her doing the owner of the content a favor by editing it. She even has the gall to suggest the original author PAY HER for her work in editing the article.

It gets better and better (and by that I mean worse and worse) for Judith since she's apparently got a rather huge ego that makes her think her dookie smells like Irish Spring or something. There is plenty more to enjoy, check out the story in greater detail, Cooks Source 'Apology' Really A Rant Blaming The Woman It Copied For Daring To Tell People.

Judith's venture is now, apparently, folding as a result of the exposure from her theft and subsequent follow up ego-driven idiocy. I highly doubt she'll learn from this but one can hope. The thing of it is that she could have diffused the situation at several points but choose to escalate things and caused her company to fail as a result. And that is definitely What Not To Do!

Rule #322 is Do Not Steal Your Magazine's Content

Update: Here's the original blog post by the original author, Monica Gaudio. 

#241 Do Not Milk Your Developmentally Disabled Sister

Sister lived in shed, siblings stole her checks for years and the outrage here is that they face a mere six months in jail. They abused their sister by forcing her to live in an uninsulated shed in the back yard, stole her benefit checks and they face a pathetic and completely too short six months.

These two bags of shit should be facing ten to twenty years in prison.

Rule #241 is Do Not Milk Your Developmentally Disabled Sister

#237 Don't Steal the Toys for Tots Toys, You Stupid Piggies

Cops accused of Toys for Tots thefts

I'm sorry but what kind of a colossal shitbag do you have to be to steal toys from the Toys for Tots donations? The fact that they are cops themselves makes it even worse and casts a pretty despicable light on their character, not just as cops, but as human beings.

This is just sad in every way and I hope these four cops get stripped of their badges and get some jail time with other criminals.

Rule #237 is Don't Steal the Toys for Tots Toys, You Stupid Piggies

#163 Don't Steal Cheap Stuff

Police: Pepsi theft no accident where the guy used a self-checkout lane, paid for his groceries and then piled six 12-packs of Pepsi on his cart on the way out of the store.

Only problem is that there's this tiny little thing called video surveillance that easily demonstrated his crime was not an accident.

And now, Thomas Sturgis of Cleveland is facing a petty theft charge for $22 worth of soda. Good thinking, dumbass!

Do you know what the difference is between a really nasty prison and Club Fed? The amount of money you stole. Steal a small amount and you go to blue collar prison, steal millions and you get a vacation at Club Fed. I'm an honest man but if I were going to commit crimes, I'd for damned sure not be going after the nickel and dime crap this idiot did.

Rule #163 is Don't Steal Cheap Stuff

#137 Insurance Fraud is a Stupid Reason to Go to Jail

Man accused of pushing car off mountain so he could report it stolen and collect on his insurance policy.

He not only thought this was a good idea but tried to enlist his cousin in the scheme. His cousin must come from the smarter side of the family because he said no.

Now, Richard Way Jr. of Claysburg, Pennsylvania is facing charges of filing a false police report, theft and insurance fraud. Smooth move, Ex-Lax!

Rule #137 is Insurance Fraud is a Stupid Reason to Go to Jail

#103 If You're An Alcoholic, Stay Out of the Liquor Aisle

Man accused of guzzling at Wis. Wal-Mart

I love that they have to say accused of guzzling when they have him on videotaped surveillance pounding 12 ounce Lynchburg Lemonades. Because if they say he did it without a trial then they are committing libel or somesuch.

Dude is a recovering alcoholic with 16 months of alcohol free living under his belt. But he lost control at the Wal-Mart and drank 7 alkie pop lemonades.

Just like pedophiles need to stay away from children, alcoholics need to avoid temptation and stay the hell away from alcohol. And, if you do decide to bounce off the wagon then purchase your poison, don't commit a crime and compound your problems with such stupidity.

Rule #103 is If You're An Alcoholic, Stay Out of the Liquor Aisle

#96 Don't Steal the Wedding Gifts, Especially if You're the Minister

Minister Accused in Theft From Newlyweds

She didn't take ALL the gift cards but she took plenty enough to arouse suspicion. And then guests and wedding party talked and whammo, you're going to jail for stealing Home Depot gift cards, Rev. Shey-Rima Silveira, the accused.

And the Rev. didn't even actually officiate, she performed a little post-ceremony ceremony and signed the deed, which is, I'm guessing, how she decided she'd earned all those cards.

Pretty pathetic to steal from newlyweds.

Rule #96 is Don't Steal the Wedding Gifts, Especially if You're the Minister