#414 You're an Ignorant Redneck with a Weapon, You ARE the Problem

Richard Malley "knows stuff".

AZ Minuteman points AR-15 rifle at sheriff’s deputy, won’t put weapon down because he knows stuff
Say hello to Richard Malley, not pictured are his two asshole buddies, Robert Deatherage (no lie) and Robert Crooks (also, no lie, his name is actually Rob Crooks). Richard and the two Roberts like to spend their free time wandering about in the deserts of Arizona "hunting" drug smugglers while armed to the teeth.

And when Richard and the two Roberts came across two deputies, they used their super slueth powers and decided these cops were actually drug smugglers dressed up like cops.

And, when ordered to lower their weapons (i.e. comply with a legal order from an authorized law enforcement agent), they refused.

And, once backup arrived, the trio of dipped in shit "patriots" were arrested. Malley was booked for aggravated assault, no mention of charges for Crimes and Deatherage.

Seriously, these guys think they're doing something worthwhile by roaming the Arizona countryside armed and ready for trouble in case they find some to stir up.

These are the exact kind of people who should NOT have weapons available to them. Richard Malley has no business breathing anymore, he pointed a loaded weapon at a cop and refused to stop because he "knew" more than the cops. He's damned lucky he's a white man or he'd be a dead man right now.

Rule #414 is You're an Ignorant Redneck with a Weapon, You ARE the Problem

#410 Do Not Strip Search High School Students

Okay, the headline, Quebec teachers strip search students during math exam, is slightly misleading. None of the students were strip searched during the taking of the math exam. 

But the 28 students in the class were told to put their cellphones on the teacher's desk for the test so there'd be less overt cheating. But one cellphone was missing so the genius teachers decided to strip search everyone to find it. Yes, teachers in a high school made their students remove their clothing so they could ascertain whether or not one was holding a contraband cellphone.

All of them. The article does not say whether the illegal phone was found but it seems safe to presume not. So these teachers violated the privacy and dignity of 28 students without cause or authority and still failed to find the phone. 

I hope that the teachers and the school district have good lawyers because I'd absolutely file a lawsuit against them on as many possible avenues as possible.

The principal of the school, walking that fine line, said the teachers acted outside of the bounds of protocol but there hadn't been any disciplinary actions as of yet against these teachers who made 28 students disrobe. Which is, of course, ridiculous. The teachers should be on administrative leave at the very least and should be facing criminal charges potentially (something about child pornography I'd imagine).

Here's a great way to figure out if the school's response is acceptable. Remove the word teacher from the article and then see how it goes. "Quebecois strip search students during math exam." Yep, I'd still investigate and prosecute the holy shit out of them still.

The operative here isn't the teachers involved, it's the fact that 28 young people's privacy and right to dignity was taken from them by some fools with power trips and no common sense who just happened to be teachers.

Rule #410 is Do Not Strip Search High School Students

#384 Don't Post Photos of You Stealing Gas from Police Cars to Facebook

Imagine That: Man Who Stole Gas From Police Cruiser Caught After Posting Photo of Theft On Facebook

This is Michael Baker, clearly not the sharpest knife in the drawer, stealing gas from a police car in his hometown of Jenkins, Kentucky which sounds like a dinky blinker town (if you blink, you'll miss it). Somehow this dumb fuck got the idea that stealing gas from police cars was a good idea and then he doubled down by having a photo taken of him stealing the gas from the police cars. And then, in a fit of supreme dumbfuckery, he posted the image to Facebook.

Was he planning on putting that gas into another car or drinking it himself because this 20 year old kid is an utter fucktard three times over. Four times if you count the idiotic way he's got his baseball cap off to the side. Five times over if you consider giving the finger while stealing gas from a police car in a photo that you posted to a publicly accessible website. Yeah. I'm hoping this genius does not pass along his idiot genes to the next generation, we can do without his special brand of rebellious dumbfuckery.

Rule #384 is Don't Post Photos of You Stealing Gas from Police Cars to Facebook

#370 Drug Dealers: Please DO Put Up Drugs for Sale Fliers, You Morons

Not pillars of the community. Hey, is that Willie?

Officers raid home after 'Heroin for sale' sign given to police

PORTLAND, OR (KPTV) -A north Portland home was raided by police after a fed-up neighbor sent officers a flier that said "Heroin for sale" and gave the home's address.

It has been said that you'd have to be some kind of an idiot to do heroin. I know this because I'm one of the people that has said it. Any drug that requires you to jab yourself with a needle is no drug I have even the slightest interest in ever doing. Fuck that noise.

That said, these drug dealing morons put up fliers around the neighborhood advertising that you could get heroin at their house and included the address! Yeah. Which is to say, these dealers have quite obviously been "getting high off their own supply".

But I can't say I'm bummed, one more drug den shut down, another neighborhood being reclaimed and some hard core drug addicts removed from circulation.

Rule #370 is Drug Dealers: Please DO Put Up Drugs for Sale Fliers, You Morons

#369 Cross Your T's and Dot Your I's

Man found with pounds of pot

WATSONVILLE - A 28-year-old man was arrested Saturday evening near Riverside Drive and Lincoln Street after police smelled a strong scent of marijuana coming from his vehicle during a traffic stop, police records show.
Virakbot Oung was booked on suspicion of drug sales after officers found 2.5 pounds of marijuana in his vehicle, police records show.
Oung was stopped for a tail light violation about 6:40 p.m., police reported.

Now, I'm all for stupid criminals getting busted for being stupid. And Virakbot Oung qualifies as a stupid criminal. Here's the thing, brainiacs. If you are transporting a load of drugs or other illegal stuff in your car then take a few minutes to make sure you aren't a rolling violation. That is, check your lights, make sure your car is in legal working order before you set off.

If ol' Virakbot had replaced that 89 cent tail light bulb then he wouldn't have been pulled over and busted. Now he's not only facing jail time for trafficking, he's also got one pissed off dealer who probably thinks Virakbot now owes him the value of that lost weed. Which is a whole other set of problems he'll get to deal with.

Or you risk getting arrested with 2.5 pounds of weed which is just a hair or two over the "personal use" limit.

Rule #369 is Cross Your T's and Dot Your I's

Note, I am aware that the link to the original story is no longer working. I searched the Sentinel's archives and then realized that they haven't been added to since 2008. Which is to say, the Santa Cruz Sentinel may be the lamest hometown newspaper ever. We deserve better than this pathetic rag.

#355 The Internet Isn't Really Anonymous, Dumbass

NY fugitive taunts police on Facebook to catch him

Nice work, Victor Burgos, you thought you'd rub it in to the cops that they couldn't catch you because you're such a master criminal (who beats up and harasses women). So you went on Facebook and taunted them and then they showed up to arrest your dumb, dumb ass.

One less idiot criminal mastermind on the streets. Thank goodness he was kind enough to post enough about his crimes to make it easier to catch him, prosecute him and send his dumbass away.

Rule #355 is The Internet Isn't Really Anonymous, Dumbass

#345 Choose One: Armed or Stupid

Armed Watsonville man pulled over for having dice obstructing his rearview mirror held on $1.45M bail

Jose Luis Ortegon, you are today's lucky winner. Because of your affinity for large fuzzy dice hanging from your rear view mirror, you got popped for a whole bunch of charges all at once and your bail was nearly one and a half million bucks.

Because of big fuzzy dice hanging from the mirror of your 99 Geo. Yes, you are going to prison because big fuzzy dice. Marinate on that one for a couple of years, Jose.

At least your gun wasn't loaded even if you were, at 8:45 in the morning by the way.

Rule #345 is Choose One: Armed or Stupid

#338 Stupid Criminals Commit Stupid Crimes

Authorities: Store owner kept winning lotto ticket

Sureshbha Ishvarbhai Patel decided to try and steal a wee $90,000 from one of his longtime customers who'd won the money playing a game called Carolina Cash 5.

Sureshbha told Kecia Parker her numbers hadn't won and then went to try and cash it in himself. He was unsuccessful and strong evidence of his crime came to light when Parker provided evidence that she'd played the same five numbers since the game began.

Rule #338 is Stupid Criminals Commit Stupid Crimes

#332 Do Not Fake a Hostage Situation as a Marketing Stunt

Two arrested in Dell marketing stunt

Two marketing genuises, Bryan Chester and Daniel Rawso, thought it would be a good idea to pretend to take an office of 400 people hostage as a great way to introduce a new product from Dell that allows plugs into their Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Only they didn't tell anyone else about their really, really stupid plan and the people, quite naturally, freaked.

They are lucky that no one got hurt and that they didn't get shot when the cops stormed the building.

And both Bryan and Daniel now face misdemeanor charges of Interfering with Public Duties and Deadly (Stupid) Conduct for their very, very poor judgment.

Rule #332 is Do Not Fake a Hostage Situation as a Marketing Stunt

#330 Stow Your Smarmy Grin While Getting Your Mugshot Taken

Proud Panty Thief

Live Oak man arrested for stealing women's underwear, bras

And for having the smuggest ever mugshot for being a sexually deviant thief with a panty fetish.

Seriously, dude, you were arrested for stealing women's underwear and bras, why not wipe that "I jacked off in those panties" grin off your face and realize that some dude is gonna rape your stupid ass in prison.

Anyway, Conrad Smith, you are today's lucky winner of a stay in the pokey where your little fetish is going to result in your corny being plumbed. I hope it was worth it.

And the next time you need some wank fodder, why not just go and buy some panties at the mall and save yourself the trouble of being labeled as a sexually deviant dumbass?

On a related note, we now know who was buying all those used panties off Ebay.

Rule #330 is Stow Your Smarmy Grin While Getting Your Mugshot Taken
Rule #330a is Don't Steal Women's Underwear

#327 Do Not Shine Lasers at Airplanes and Helicopters

San Jose man jailed in laser shinings at aircraft

Christopher Bengel - Laser Moron

Christopher Bengel is today's What Not To Do idiot. He allegedly gets his jollies by smirking for the camera and by shining his green laser at aircraft.

Which is to say, he's recklessly endangering people's lives so he could get some cheap laughs.

Only those cheap laughs are going to send his smirking ass to prison. The FAA and authorities take this kind of limp shit seriously because of the risk it can pose to people on board the plane and people on the ground if that plane were to lose control and crash.

I would love to be a fly on the wall of his prison cell his first night in.
"What are you in for?"
"Shining a laser at planes."
".....Ok. Hey, let's play a game called Husbands and Wives, which do you want to be?"
"Uhhh, the husband."
"Okay, then why don't you come on over here and suck your wife's dick."

Enjoy your prison time, Christopher.

Rule #327 is Do Not Shine Lasers at Airplanes and Helicopters

#319 Cum is NOT a Weapon

Man allegedly ejaculated into water bottle not once but twice several months apart.

Michael Lallana is today's idiot offender award winner (don't be so jealous, the award is a small cell with a big cellmate). Not sure what point he was trying to make by spewing his seed into a co-worker's water bottle but I'm sure his cellmate will be fascinated to hear the tale.

For his depravity, Michael is now facing up to three years in jail for misdemeanor counts of releasing an offensive material in public (that would be the semen) and assault (with a gooey substance) with a conditional add-on of committing a crime for sexual gratification. He'll also be registered as a sex offender if/when he's convicted.

So yeah, folks, remember, bodily fluids are not to be used as weapons. That means no puking on people, no "depositing" sperm into their food/water, no bleeding on someone on purpose. Keep that nasty (and occasionally dangerous) stuff to yourself or you will be facing jail time like Mr. Bottle Blow up there.

Rule #319 is Cum is NOT a Weapon

#315 Let It Go

Lesley Shelby Garcia - Stabby Psycho

Watsonville woman arrested for stabbing a girl 13 times in her lower torso and genitals after the girls got into an argument over a guy (who, sadly, was probably thrilled at the thought of two chicks fighting over him).

Now one girl is permanently scarred and the other is going to prison. Nobody wins and Lesley Shelby Garcia, the stabber, is rightfully labeled a danger to society and will get prison time for her assault.

The worst part, neither of these two girls were even fighting over the guy, they were friends of the chicks who were fighting over him. Which makes the whole thing just a little bit more pathetic.

Next time, girls, just keep in mind that no guy is worth fighting over, no insult is worth trying to murder someone over and no stupid teen drama is worth spending the best years of your life behind bars.

#315 is Let It Go

#314 Don't Cry Wolf to the Coast Guard

Salinas man gets 3½ years for faking distress signals and a whopping $100k fine/restitution for the wasted efforts of the Coast Guard to rescue this idiot.

Kurtis Thorstad just wants some attention, this is the second time he's called in a distress signal (actually a whole series of them). He was convicted of doing this exact same thing in 2004 as well. He's either an idiot, a lonely idiot or got dropped on his head as a child and can't process rational thoughts properly anymore.

No matter, he'll have a few years in the pokey to reconsider his stupid hobby. I bet he'd like to call for help from the pokey but he's the old man who cried wolf and nobody gives a damn anymore.

Rule #314 is Don't Cry Wolf to the Coast Guard

#306 Consider the Risk vs. Reward

Police make arrest in Jell-O tampering at Long Island supermarkets

How much does Jello pudding cost? A buck or so? So these two people are now facing jail time because they somehow came to the idea that scamming stores out of a few bucks worth of pudding was a good idea? And, of course, the cost of trying them in a court and putting them behind bars will fall to we, the people.

Seems like a pretty stupid way to get a criminal record to me.

Rule #306 is Consider the Risk vs. Reward

#305 Don't Update Your MySpace Page in the Middle of a Burglary

Cops: Burglar logs into MySpace on store computer during a five hour burgle session in which he also surfed for porn and tried to sell previously stolen stuff.

Which is all to say that this 17 year old kid is incredibly stupid. I know I was an idiot at 17 but I was light years ahead of where this dumbass is.

Not that I want to help thieves and criminals in general but here's a tip, if you're breaking into somewhere, break in, get the shit and then get the hell out and gone. Don't act like you own the place, don't stop to have a stroke session, don't update your social networking sites.

Rule #305 is Don't Update Your MySpace Page in the Middle of a Burglary

#299 Blackmail Rarely Ends Well

UGA employee accused of extortion

In January, a female student reported that Dehelean had accused her of violating copyright laws while using a university computer. The student said Dehelean asked for money in order to clear her name, according to campus police.

Note, this copyright she supposedly violated wasn't one owned by the accussed, one Dorin Lucian Dehelean. He just decided to try and get some extra cash out of a college student (because we all know college students are rolling in money) by using fear tactics. Now good ol' Dorin's likely going to get fired and face criminal charges which will multiply if more attempted victims surface. Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

And the follow up wherein he has been fired.

Rule #299 is Blackmail Rarely Ends Well

#296 The First Rule of Being a School Bus Driver is to Stop Fights, Not Start Them

Palm Beach County school bus driver encouraged brawl, tried to cover it up by putting his hat over the security camera in the bus. He also told the victims that he was going to let the two Latino boys, an 11 and 12 year old, get their butts kicked by three black students because of what they'd said the day before adding "If the black kids whoop your white ass, I ain't going to say nothing. There is more of them then there are of ya'll." Nice.

Think kids that young can't cause real damage? "One of the victims required three staples to his head to close the laceration to his scalp, police said. He also had a swollen nose and forehead. The other boy had a swollen face and jaw."

Which is, of course, to say that Andre Caldwell, the driver of the school bus is a racist dumbass who is likely going to be headed to prison for two counts of cruelty toward a child that could result in physical or mental injury, and one count of culpable negligence. Nice thinking, idiot.

Rule #296 is The First Rule of Being a School Bus Driver is to Stop Fights, Not Start Them

#289 Sober Up After You Get a DWI

Utica woman arrested for DWI twice in a night, five hours after getting busted for drunk driving and drug possession, Talitha Gorea was busted once again for drunk driving.

Which is to say, she has a problem with alcohol, drugs and an inability to understand why laws are in place. They aren't to punish people they are to protect other people from your incredible stupidity and selfishness.

Seriously, before you go and get back in the car after getting a DWI (or DUI out here in California) you should probably take a good long nap, sober up, get something to eat and give some serious thought to just what the fuck you are doing with your life.

Rule #289 is Sober Up After You Get a DWI

#284 Consider the Consequences

Stranger accused of slapping crying child at store at least four times after he "warned" the 2 year old's mother that she had better shut her up. So this cranky 61 year old moron named Roger Stephens lays hands on someone else's child (note, I don't think its okay for someone to slap their own child) in order to teach that kid a lesson.

And he is the one who is going to get the painful lesson for his utter assholery. And yes, he does look like a real peach of an guy.

The odd part is that he somehow expected that slapping a child was going to quiet her down and even commented afterwards "See, I told you I would shut her up." But when he hit her, the little girl started screaming. How is that shutting her up?

No matter, one cranky asshole is going to prison for felony cruelty to children. I'm sure he'll be very well received by the other inmates.

Rule #284 is Consider the Consequences