#445 No Humping Stuffed Animals in the Store!

(Stuffed) Horsefucker Sean Johnson

Sean Johnson had a need, apparently, to get his rocks off at the local Walmart but humping a stuffed animal, a brown, tan and red stuffed horse he "selected" from the clearance bin.

He took his "date" to the comforter aisle, pulled out his junk and went to town. All on internal security cam, of course.

So yes, somewhere out there is video of this loser humping a stuffed animal in the store.

After Johnson “achieved an orgasm and ejaculated on the stuffed horse’s chest area,” he placed the “soiled stuffed horse on top of a bed in a bag (comforter set) contaminating that property also.”

Floridian, 19, Arrested For Lewd Act With Stuffed Animal Inside Walmart Store

To allege that Mr. Johnson isn't the smartest kid running around with a boner would be an understatement. I hope and expect that he'll have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his inanimate object humping days.

Rule #445 is No Humping Stuffed Animals in the Store!

#411 Choose One, Ride Your Bike OR Masturbate, NOT Both!

Police: Man arrested for masturbating while riding bike through The Diag

Okay, I get it, you're a busy guy, got places to go, cum to spew and not enough time to get it all done so you multi-task. Only there are some things that should be considered single tasks, that is, don't try to do something else at the same time.

Masturbating is one of those. Riding a bike is another. Combining the two sounds like a great way to end up in the emergency room with a bunch of strangers laughing at you.

The article, not surprisingly, mentions that drugs were found on the 52 year old man. Hey, he's a 52 year old guy riding a bike and jacking off at the same time? Put him on America's Got Talent!

Or not. Do one thing at a time, put all your effort into it whether that is pedaling to your friend's house for a spanking or jacking your trouser snake.

Rule #411 is Choose One, Ride Your Bike OR Masturbate, NOT Both!

#397 Don't Hump Strange Couches!

Man Busted for Couch Sex

Gerard Streator, couch fucker.

Look, we've all been there, you're innocently walking through the woods (yes, I know the story says the couch was on a curb next to a street, I'm embellishing for fun so shut up!) and come across couch abandoned there. But its clearly no ordinary couch, this is a couch of ill repute, a sex couch.

It's like a nymphomaniac is transmogrified into a couch. It can't do anything but send out desperate "HUMP ME" vibes.

Most people are immune to these vibes. Most people are immune to the desperate needs of the nympho couch. But not a highly sensitive and caring man like Gerard Streator. Nope.

He heard the couch's plaintive cries for sexual gratification that he, against his better judgment, of course, dropped his pants and did what any caring human being would do, he tried to ease that poor nympho couch's suffering.

Gerard's valiant and unselfish act was interrupted by an off-duty cop who happened to be running by. Which is a likely story, I'm guessing the cop was running to go hump the couch too and was angry that it was cheating on him with Gerard. And we all know it is damned foolish to get on a cop's bad side but Gerard had no way of knowing the couch had a cop boyfriend.

And now Gerard Streator, of Waukesha, you are in the deep stuff. That cop was so angry to catch you humping his couch that you got arrested and charged with lewd and lascivious behavior. Just for trying to ease the suffering of a transmogrified nymphomaniac couch.

If only Gerard had brought the couch home, wined it and dined it some and humped it in the comfort of his mother's basement then he wouldn't be facing prison time for humping some furniture.

Rule #397 is Don't Hump Strange Couches!

#348 Do Not Procreate If You Are Scum

Watsonville man admits lewd acts with same girl that son battered - Santa Cruz Sentinel

John Charlie Deanda and his son, John Nicholas Deanda are pedophiles who engaged in long term systematic forced sexual battery on a girl under the age of 14.

Six years worth of forced sexual battery.

And for that John Charlie Deanda is going to go to prison for six years. This is after a hearing to figure out if he was competent enough to stand trial. He was found competent but just barely which means he's dumb as dirt. Stands to reason his pedophle offspring is similarly dumb as dirt.

Now both are going to be in prison for what each of them did to a child. Who will undoubtedly be affected by their crimes for the rest of her life. I can only hope she is strong enough and has enough support to overcome and move beyond these two horrible, sick, and yes, stupid, assholes who used her like a sex doll.

Rule #348 is Do Not Procreate If You Are Scum

#291 Do Not Let Your Horniness Overwhelm Your Common Sense

Selby optician John Gill found guilty of sex charges in the presence of a minor.

Which is to say, dude was playing with his cock while checking a teenaged girl's eyes. Which is further to say that dude is a horny moron (a hornon?) because the risk/reward calculation here is far, far skewed towards the "Not worth it" side.

There's a line that his common sense should have told him was just not worth crossing. You want to jack off? Fine. You want to jack off while you have a client in the chair? Not so fine.

Enjoy your stay in prison for lewd acts, Mr. Gill.

Rule #291 is Do Not Let Your Horniness Overwhelm Your Common Sense

#290 Don't Bugger Animals

SC man gets 3 years in prison for sex with horse. Rodell Vereen got the sentence after pleading guilty for the second time in two years to having sex with the horse. The same horse.

Pretty safe to say that Rodell has some sort of a problem. Or that is one of the hottest horses known. But much, much more likely, he's got a screw or two loose. Or, in the words of Rashad Evans from last week's The Ultimate Fighter, that guy's cheese has fallen off the cracker.

Rule #290 is Don't Bugger Animals

#153 Do Not Bang Your Teen Students

Former Teacher Sentenced in Sex Case to six years in prison for sexual encounters with five teenaged boys.

Allena Ward has been found guilty and sentenced to six years for second degree criminal sexual misconduct.

I don't get it. I don't get how a teacher violates the trust placed upon them and decides to start having sex with children. I don't get how it becomes a pattern. I just don't get these people. Ms. Ward isn't unattractive, I'm sure she could have gotten a date or two if she'd gone out and tried.

I don't understand the breakdown of mental barriers that allows and enables such a violation to take place. Nor do the police.

Rule #153 is Do Not Bang Your Teen Students

#134 Don't Grope Santa Claus

Woman Accused of Groping Mall Santa

Sandrama Lamy of Danbury, was charged with sexual assault and breach of peace for grabbing a hold of Santa and getting whatever mote of pleasure she could from her public fondling, with children waiting, of course.

I don't know if she was drunk or stoned or just horny or whatever but there's no rhyme or reason to what she did, especially since the Santa in question was 65 years old and rather embarrassed by the "attention".

Rule #134 is Don't Grope Santa Claus