#408 Just Because It Has a Penis Sized Hole...

...doesn't mean you should try to fuck it.

Man Dies After Having Sex with Hornet's Nest

Call me for sexy times! 1 888 STINGER

A man only known as Hasse was found naked, unconscious and swollen to the point his neighbor first though he was a beached whale on his front yard. He had, apparently been putting the sexy times to a hornet's nest.

Among the many things I would not wish to expose my penis to, angry flying insects like hornets, wasps and other winged hate is very high on that list.

Notably, Hasse did end up going out like a boss despite his idiotic means. He not only set out to fuck a hornet's nest, he did fuck a hornet's nest and actually came. Yes. And then the hornet's went insane on his please-do-not-have-reproduced ass and penis and body. He was stung 54 times in the genitals alone.

Let that sink in for a moment. One sting in the balls is all but unthinkable. Two would probably require counseling. Three would almost certainly make the Hulk cry for mercy. Hasse took 54 hornet stings to the goonies. One hundred and forty six stings in total resulting in massive anaphylactic shock, death and instant internet immortality.

And deservedly so. I think this should give rise to a new cautionary phrase, "Nobody fucks a hornet's nest and lives to tell about it."

I would hereby like to nominate Hasse to the Darwin Awards Hall of Fame.

Rule #408 is Just Because It Has a Penis Sized Hole...

Update: Unfortunately (or fortunately for my faith in humanity) the story is not true as I could have deduced easily by reading the linked article more carefully. I'm glad that no man is dumb enough or drunk enough to look at a hornet's nest and get horny.

But the general rule still applies, just because something has a penis size hole in it doesn't mean you should shove your penis into it.

#109 Don't Give Bank Loans for Sex

Bank manager gives woman loans for sex

Not just loans but he embezzled money to pay the woman's family, who were blackmailing him after he told them. And he kept 40,000 euros for himself.

He did this for three years and was sentenced to a paltry three years and nine months. Of course, now he's got a record so he should never get another job in a bank. But maybe he's got a future as a pimp.

Rule #109 is Don't Give Bank Loans for Sex

#105 Don't Hump Dead Senior Citizens

Tech accused of abusing elderly corpse

Twenty four year old loser, Anthony Merino, was arrested for sexually abusing the corpse of a 92 year old woman, a crime punishable by up to 10 years in prison.

So when he gets out, he'll be a 34 year old loser.

This should be so self evident that it doesn't need to be a rule but this news piece is proof of the need.

Rule #105 is Don't Hump Dead Senior Citizens

#104 Leave Your Inflatable Sex Doll at Home

Toying With Doll Lands Man in Hoosegow

Craig S. McCullough of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, you are today's dumbass horndog winner! Or loser.

Let's run down the myriad stupidities here.

1. You own an inflatable sex doll.
2. You brought your inflatable sex doll to a public office building. Made far worse because some of the offices are used by Federal officials of the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency.
3. You decided to "lay with" your inflatable loser sex doll in a public bathroom in this office building.
4. You got caught with your pants down in a public bathroom with an inflatable sex doll.
5. You get to be the inflatable sex doll in jail!

There is no possible rationalization for this numbnut's stupidity. Oh yeah, Craig has a 2004 conviction for burglarizing a wedding gown store and stealing a mannequin in a bridal gown so there might be a pattern of repeat stupidity going on here.

Rule #104 is Leave Your Inflatable Sex Doll at Home

#102 Do Not Solicit Sex from a Job Candidate

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Rule #27 Don't Fondle Your Students

Acclaimed geneticist sentenced for molesting employee's daughter.

Come on now, do we really need a rule for this one?

Don't inappropriately touch your students. Its not worth it and you will have a really unpleasant time in prison when you do get caught.

Rule #27 is Don't Fondle Your Students.